Friday, November 2, 2012

"After The Election I Can Come Out Of My Cage," By Michele Bachmann

Like many Americans I can not wait for this election to end. The partisanship, the dishonesty, the bitter accusations. And all those ads! Ugh. Haven't you had enough? I know I'm a politician, but I completely share your disgust with all this nonsense.

I have an additional reason to be excited that this will soon be over. That's because Republican party operatives have been keeping me in a reinforced steel dog cage in a basement in Northern Virginia for the past few weeks. They are feeding me a mix of fruit and egg whites to keep my hair and teeth shiny and in good condition. They have a lookalike running my campaign back in Minnesota. Evidently I'm not doing so hot, but you never know. People in the party say I can come out after this race.

"Go on TV, do press releases, knock yourself out," one of them told me. "Say any crazy fiddlestick thing you can think of." Only he didn't use the word, fiddlestick.
And believe me, there is so much I have to tell you. Gosh, we need to alert this nation to the dangers of all those hidden Muslim radicals only I can see. Plus, fight the homosexual agenda and make sure high school science classes are free from demonic forces.

I've had a lot of time down here to talk to St. Jerome and save my nail clippings in a stack of jars, and I'm ready to be a part of our national political discussion again. Others like me in the GOP need to speak up about witchcraft in the Coast Guard and how anti-bullying programs are recruiting young people as gay jihadists. We need to finally put an end to Iran and other countries that aren't Godly.

I need a shower and a hot meal. And I need a place on the big stage again. I miss when people had to listen to me tell them the truth. And if Mitt wins, he'll have to give folks like me places in government. They promised there'd be something. Maybe the EPA or the Department of Education. Even a committee post would help, if we won the right elections.

One way or the other, I will be back and above ground this fall. And if you vote Republican people who share my beliefs will be totally off the leash, so we can do something about this country.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Mitt Romney Movie Villain Roundup (4)

NOTE: From now until the election I'm writing a series of posts with Mitt Romney channeling different movie bad guys. Read them all! Won't that be fun? Possibly the last fun we'll ever have in this country?

My opponent spent his entire career in government, trying to stifle innovation and punish success. He thinks that's the way to get this country out of its economic crisis - but we know he's wrong.

I know what to do, because I've been out here in the private sector - specifically the shipping lanes of the North Atlantic ocean. I know what it takes to get things moving again. And I have a five point plan to fix this country:

Step 1: Float here.
Step 2: Conceal 90% of my mass beneath the icy waters.
Step 3: Remain perfectly silent, except for the sickening creak I make when I strike something.
Step 4: Drift in and out of the path of seagoing vessels as the currents change.
Step 5: Wait for the job creation to start.

He says I'm not being fully honest about my plan - that it guarantees something terrible will happen. But you have my word that no matter what details remain open, I will not cause some horrific loss of human life.

A presidential candidate needs to be flexible. I'm going to negotiate with other actors in the system. A massive liner and some rescue ships, perhaps. I can't go into every little loophole, because then I'd have no room to maneuver. I think the voters understand that.

Trust me, I know what I'm doing. I've spent my whole career doing this.

Many, many times.
 
(Photo by JaumeBG used under Creative Commons license. File information here.)

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Should Christians Celebrate Halloween?

Many Christians out there love the spooky fun of Halloween, but some of you have concerns. You might want to make sure that you're not taking part in some kind of activity that glorifies the devil. Okay, this will help. Just answer these questions:

1. Do you believe evolution is incorrect?

2. Do you believe that men and women have very different God-given roles in a marriage, and that a woman should submit to her husband?

3. Do you worry that anti-bullying programs encourage homosexuality, which is a dangerous lifestyle choice?

4. Are Gandhi, Carl Sagan, and Freddie Mercury in the same place, and does that place lack air conditioning?

Okay. If you answered yes to these questions, Halloween is something you should definitely celebrate. In fact you should move to a beach town and try to work at a haunted house a few months out of the year, if you can. Buy a pet bat. Find out if Iron Maiden are still touring, and follow them. These things will help you relate to the people around you better.

Why? Because your Christian faith is the terrifying kind. I think I can speak for everyone around you - the gay new age guy in the next cubicle, the moderate Episcopalian who carpools with you, and your entire atheist IT department - when I say that every time you open your mouth it's like being trapped in a scene from Children of the Corn. October 31 is the one time you get to feel the kind of creepiness you're radiating outward the other 364 days a year. You probably don't go a single day without making someone feel like it's Halloween. And not just the holiday either - I mean when you speak the rest of us imagine we're cowering in a closet and desperately swatting at you with a coat-hanger, but you keep... coming... after us.

Please go out for candy and goblins. And get scared and unnerved, and come back with a new perspective about people who are different from you. Stop being such a cheery, dead-eyed monster who's so convinced you know how the entire universe works. Stop saying hateful things wrapped in sugary fake concern for people's souls. Stop being so awful. Just for one night. Just to see how it feels.

If you don't like it, you can always go back to being an ignorant bigot. Christmas is just around the corner.

Mitt Romney Movie Villain Roundup (3)

NOTE: From now until the election I'm writing a series of posts with Mitt Romney channeling different movie bad guys. Read them all! Won't that be fun? Possibly the last fun we'll ever have in this country?

My opponent is a decent man. I'm sure he loves this country. But I find his lack of faith disturbing.

He doesn't believe in our essential goodness. As you know he began his administration with an apology tour, criticizing our lethal robots and our planet-killing ray. But I will never apologize for our values, or for that ray, which has obliterated hundreds of worlds and made us safe. To apologize for destroying someone's home communicates weakness, and it invites attacks from the rebels we fight. No, my friends, fear will keep the systems in line. Fear of this battle station.

...And the Dark Side of the Force. My church is very important to me, as you know. It's where I find the strength to defend our way of life. Our leaders have always been proud of their beliefs. Levitating prisoners and crushing their windpipes with our minds has been a vital expression of our political culture. My opponent says he can someone's windpipe with his mind, and I take him at his word.

But my opponent also wants to burden our private industries with regulation, destroying jobs and suffocating economic growth. We can't have bureaucrats picking winners and losers as we expand the Empire. We need to trust entrepreneurs, business leaders, to do the important work of finding economic opportunity and creating wealth. Did you know at least four different agencies have to review every permit before a contractor can build a small thermal exhaust port? That is ridiculous. I think we should start letting construction companies have the freedom to do what they do best - you don't need someone in the government telling you where to put a thermal exhaust port! We're stifling the free market with this kind of attitude. When I become president, the future will be much, much brighter - as bright as a small sun. That's a promise.

You can control your fear. Now, release your anger. Vote Republican.

Thank you.
(Photo by JaumeBG used under Creative Commons license. File information here.)

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Mitt Romney Movie Villain Roundup (2)

NOTE: From now until the election I'm writing a series of posts with Mitt Romney channeling different movie bad guys. Read them all! Won't that be fun? Possibly the last fun we'll ever have in this country?

Let me have your attention for a moment. So you're talking about what? You're talking about your blood sugar, bitching about how your back feels, some son of a bitch that doesn't take your insurance and so forth. Let's talk about something important!

Put. That medication. Down. Healthcare's for closers only.
You think I'm fucking with you? I am not fucking with you. I'm here from downtown. I'm here from DC. And I'm here on a mission of mercy. 'Cause the good news is -- you're denied coverage. The bad news is you've got, all you got, just one week to sign up for a couple of vouchers. Oh, have I got your attention now? Good. 'Cause we're adding a little something to this month's contest. As you all know, first prize is a policy that includes actual doctors.

Anyone want to see second prize? Second prize's a bottle of Tylenol.

Third prize is you're dead.

You get the picture?

(Photo by JaumeBG used under Creative Commons license. File information here.)

Monday, October 29, 2012

Mitt Romney Movie Villain Roundup (1)

NOTE: From now until the election I'm writing a series of posts with Mitt Romney channeling different movie bad guys. Read and try to guess them all! Won't that be fun? Possibly the last fun we'll ever have in this country?
I don't want to stay out here on the campaign trail anymore. Let me in. Let me in the White House. I won't hurt anyone, honest. I know things got a little weird a few months ago. I was up there onstage with guys like Rick Santorum, and I had to make all those crazy primary voters think I was the kind of guy to deregulate every corporation and attack Iran before my inauguration day ended. But that's not me. Not really.

I'm not some kind of monster. There's nothing wrong with me, and if there was I'm all better now. I'm just a moderate from the Northeast. If anyone's a shapeshifting creature, it's Gingrich. Have you looked at that guy? Let me in the White House, and we'll strap him to a chair, and get a sample of his blood. You'll see.

Does anyone remember where Newt Gingrich has been these last few weeks? I didn't think so. Watch Gingrich. And watch him close. I'm not the enemy here. I just want to increase employment. I'm like you. Exactly like you.

I wanna come inside. I've been touring America a long time speaking to conservative lunatics. Funny things. I hear funny things out here. Stuff about Ayn Rand, mostly. Jesus, I want to come inside. Don't you understand it? Let me inside!

I'm much better. And I won't harm anybody.

(Photo by JaumeBG used under Creative Commons license. File information here.)
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