Thursday, May 24, 2012

"We Need To Attack Iran" By Henry, A Goldfish

Iran seems to be building some kind of nuclear device, and time is running out to stop them. We have to attack now, before they can complete a weapon. Sure we don't know all the details. But there are too many experts worried about this thing for them to just be flat-out wrong, you know? WHOA! Where the hell did that little plastic diver come from? Was that thing always here? It is awesome! Look, it's even got a little box of treasure sitting next to him. Priceless.

Anyway, our intelligence people pretty much know where the Iranians have their equipment squirreled away. These folks are trained professionals. They have satellite photos, signals intercepts, and human agents crawling all over that country. With their information, we're going to be able to conduct pinpoint strikes and cripple the nuclear program. There won't be blowback on this thing. Really. That's not even an issue. HOLY FUCK, wouldja look at that!? It's like, some kind of man... IN A DIVE SUIT! That is just the most interesting thing I've seen all day. It's great someone snuck in here and put it into my bowl. Really brightens the place up.

There is no way for an attack on Iran to go wrong. The citizens of that country want us to attack, really. They'll probably just topple their leaders and build some kind of democracy. Then, they can help us fight the terrorists in the region. Maybe they'll even let us build a base there and train their new army. That would be perfect. HI THERE, LITTLE DIVER DUDE! When did you get here? Whatcha got there, a pirate treasure? ARRGH, MATEY! Man, that is awesome. Just plopped down when I wasn't looking, didn't you? Where was I? Oh yeah...

Liberators. Mark my words. We'll be greeted as liberators.

(Photo by Luis Miguel Bugallo Sanchez used under Creative Commons license - information here. Goldfish idea inspired by an Ani DiFranco song.)

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Dimpled Vengeance



This is my contribution to the meme. For others, go here.

A Message To The Tea Party From King George III

I was right about you lot. You just don't want to pay your bills, do you?

At the time I had doubts, of course. I was pretty cheesed off you weren't willing to pony up the money to help pay all that debt from the French and Indian War. Especially since the whole time we were over there protecting your bony asses. Ha! Sending troops overseas to help a bunch of people who act like they're your enemies. Wonder what that's like, huh?

Anyway I was mad at the time. Still, there was this little voice in the back of my head saying, "Now Georgie, you have to be a bit compassionate. These people don't have any representation. They don't hire the army or control what they do. Of course they don't want to pay for them."

That was complete nonsense. Because now, your country has its own military -- bigger and more invadey than mine ever was, by the way. You elect your own president to send them all over hell and creation, you stick those goofy yellow ribbons on your vehicles to show how much you care about them... and yet you still don't want to pay for them.

They're your redcoats, you know. The whole government's yours. And all you have to do is keep it running. Maybe you want it to be smaller, sure. I understand that. But in the end, you people -- all you people -- have to come together and make the sort of compromises necessary to keep it afloat. Many of you want to keep a massive military, low taxes, and full entitlement benefits. And that means you either discover a kind of math no one's heard of yet, or you run the whole nation into a wall.

When you're young it's cute to be an angry revolutionary who wants to tear the whole state down without a clue what you're going to put into its place. But you're more than 200 now. Act your age. Put on your big boy pants and get this sorted.

Because we are not going to take you back.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

The Ayn Rand Investigation Continues...

Below are my notes from the ongoing investigation of Ayn Rand (If you haven't, begin reading the original posts here). I'm sorry I haven't been able to make sense of this. It's... too much. Please just read, and draw your own conclusions. I'll write more when I am stronger. When I've rested. - Paul

Recall of specific plot devices, characters, and scenes within the text are all within 1 to 2% of control texts. However people who identify themselves as “Objectivists” or sympathetic to Objectivism display a markedly higher retention rate of exact quotations of the text which are proverbial in nature. When organized into discussion groups (during Phase 2), subjects repeat quotations, spreading them throughout community, possibly at an exponential rate (Several flaws in methodology prevented a definitive study – we simply hadn’t expected anything like this). New Hypoth.: Books by this author act as delivery vehicles for a kind of rapidly-propagating series of behavioral norms, disconnected from all emotional content in material and all conflicting information from group. Concepts are simple, self-reinforcing, and quickly assimilate and destroy alternate cognitions. Almost virally. (Note: Check with D at Oxf. about this). The spread of the contagion is only limited by the speed of communication itself. Theoretically, if subjects could share ideas over some kind of global, widespread media, it’s possible that a small, determined group could spread concepts indefinitely. One is perhaps thankful this isn’t possible. – Dr. Francis Buer, RESEARCH NOTES for Communication and Context, September-Oct 1975

You don’t know the history of psychiatry. I do. Psychiatry is a pseudoscience, and I know all about it. If I told you what I know you would have about five seconds to realize how totally inadequate your pathetic human brain was, before a massive aneurysm killed you and turned your central nervous system into a thick pulp that smelled almost exactly like lilacs. Tom Cruise, June 24, 2005 (italics edited out/unaired, because of feedback interference)

You’d hear a sound, like a low wail. And the smell of ozone was everywhere. I saw one of the extras actually piss himself one time, when it happened. There were lights. And, and, a feeling
you got. Like something very wrong had happened. No one ever went into the trailer on Days of Thunder. Not ever. - Anonymous Kraft services worker, quoted in reporter’s notes for an article to be published in Variety in June 1991. Article killed. Name of reporter withheld, at request of the FBI, pending investigation of his disappearance in 2008.

We didn’t do the things you’re accusing us of. You’ve heard the Americans are a different story, of course, especially with that new one who just joined from ABC. But he brought his unorthodox, sometimes brutal methods with him, and we began to quickly become concerned that, hold on (PAUSE)… I’m sorry. My counsel tells me I shouldn’t answer any further questions unless you can provide comprehensive protection. Put me in prison! Go ahead. You have no idea what these people are capable of. – Rebekah Brooks, excised from transcript of interview with the Metropolitan Police of London, 18 July 2011

I was told to remove the cushions and dispose of them after the show. The shoe prints had scorched or burned the fabric in some way. Just looking at it made me feel queasy, like I had really bad motion sickness… along with this incredible feeling of sadness and despair. I bagged them up and took them out to the dumpster. A man with a thick, curly moustache was there, like he knew I was coming. He took the bag from me and told me not to tell another living soul what happened. When I hesitated to answer, he punched me in the stomach, harder than I’d ever been hit. “The question isn’t who is going to let me,” he whispered, while I lay there gasping. “It’s who is going to stop me.” – Anonymous production assistant quoted in Oprah: the Magic and the Madness, a nonfiction book proposal submitted in 2006 by author George Kornby, whereabouts unknown.

My God! It’s full of Stossels. – Steven Daye, the original Dr. David Bowman, during first script run-through (Sept., 1967) on the set of 2001: A Space Odyssey. Unconfirmed reports say Daye became visibly ill, excused himself and was replaced with Keir Dullea. Daye is now currently serving as a deck officer on the Freewinds IX, somewhere in the Indian Ocean, and declined through a representative to be interviewed further.

In this arid wilderness of steel and stone I raise up my voice that you may hear. To the East and to the West I beckon. To the North and to the South I show a sign proclaiming: Death to the weakling, wealth to the strong! – Unaired 20/20 episode narrated and produced by Anton L. Selstos, whereabouts unknown

Is your local police force really protecting you? Are people who rely on cops instead of private contractors getting their tax dollars worth of safety? Especially if they have an inadequate security system and laughably flimsy window locks? I'm here to find out. It is 9 o’clock at night, and I am standing in the backyard of some blogger is too fucking nosy for his own good. I’m going to throw a rock at his window, and then hide so he looks out, terrified, then tells himself he was only dreaming, before he goes back to sleep a light, nervous sleep that brings no rest. And you’re all dreaming, after all. You know that, right? YOU’RE ALL DREAMING. And you should pray to whatever pitiful god you believe in, that you never, ever wake up. – A note taped to my bedroom window this morning.
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