Saturday, May 19, 2012

A Message From A Compulsive Gambler About Attacking Iran

I don't know, man. It just seems risky. I've been up for 72 hours, and I've got some stuff on my mind about this guy who's kind of holding my kids in a storage unit until... Forget it. Anyway maybe I'm not thinking right. But we could lose really, really big on this one.

Let's break it down: We have this country which is probably building a nuke, that it might give to someone to use against us, so we and the Israelis are thinking about bombing their facilities, because possibly it's the only way to stop them, and we're kinda-sorta-fingers-crossed confident we can actually hit the right targets and maybe not kill too many innocent civilians, and it will, if we're lucky, slow or stop the nuke from being built instead of doing the exact opposite and speeding up the program, and bumping us up on the target list, and we're also guessing we won't accidentally topple the government, which would put us back in the Middle Eastern nation-building business with a country twice the size of Iraq.

Yeah, well... I count seven to ten dice rolls on that thing without even getting into the details. I made a series of bets like that once, and the result is I can't ever go back to the state of Connecticut. Believe me, I know we're running some serious risk if we do nothing. I have a keen understanding about security issues. In my case, it's all about not using my real name or getting a hotel room on a ground floor. But we're worried the Iranians could develop this weapon and attack us with it, so we're about to hit them first, even though no one can guarantee it'll work. That doesn't make sense. Not even to me, and I've had a dozen Jack and Cokes.

Plus, we're using the same intelligence agencies to guide us as we did with that other war over WMDs. Look, when they bring you into the back room and taser your balls until you cough blood, that's one casino you just don't visit again, right? I think America's balls have been tasered enough.

Finally, here's what we know about attacking Iran: innocent Iranians will get killed. Long before we find out whether it worked we will be certain we're the bunch of bastards who ruined the lives of people who didn't deserve it. I've done some stupid things before. But you have to draw a line somewhere.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

I'm The Kind Of Twisted Deviant Who Really Supports Family Values

Hello. I could be your next state senator or U.S. representative, or even a powerful and famous preacher on TV. I'm going to promise you that I support traditional marriage and pro-life policies, and that I am a strong believer in Biblical morality. You're going to help my career because you think I'm exactly the guy we need in the Capitol or the state house or the public square. You'll see pictures of my pretty, perfectly made-up wife and frighteningly cute kids. You'll be convinced I'm one of you. Just slightly better, maybe. The kind of person you want to be. That's really why I have your support. Then you'll learn about my secret.

I'm not gay or anything. Two committed gay people sharing their lives are pretty vanilla compared to what I have become. Actually, it's hard to describe the stuff I'm into, but trust me, it's not going to be pretty when it comes out. Let me put it this way: If you put a photo of me in action up on 4chan, they would take it down immediately and everyone who saw it would give up internet-fueled masturbation forever.

I'm going to win an election or a position at a megachurch, and two months later, you'll hear all about my thing. A massive fireball will torch the petting zoo where they find me unconscious and naked, covered in two different kinds of salad oil. Cops and EMTs will discover huge bags of crystal meth and crushed Pez all over the place, along with plastic tubing, WWII gas masks, full-body furry costumes, several handguns, and a set of Facts of Life-themed anal beads (Most people pass out before they get to Natalie. But not me.) They will be trying to identify at least a dozen dead hookers dressed like members of the Continental Congress and corral more than a hundred shaved, emotionally-shattered alpaca roaming the place. Plus, they'll find what the New York Times describes as "an electric prosthesis of some sort, with several, brightly-lit rotating nozzles."

Later I'm going to stand next to my lifeless, mortified wife, and I'm going to give a speech about how sorry I am, but you're not going to believe me at all. Because everything I say will sound eloquent and well-rehearsed and utterly insincere. And for the first time, you'll notice that I've been speaking that way about your beliefs and your values all along. I will make you, all of you, everyone who ever supported me, look like an idiot. I will do to you and your worldview the kind of thing I did to a person dressed as Captain Kangaroo at a coke party once. No, not fuck them. I did so much more than that.

Why? Why do people like me always end up in airport restrooms and police stings, and why does it usually involve some kind of terrible depravity?

One reason is you just can't trust politicians and celebrity preachers. The kind of person who wants to tell thousands, sometimes millions of people what to do is by definition a perverted, raging narcissist. Conservatives always say they distrust folks like me, but then they put us in charge of policing people's bedrooms. Which is just silly.

Also, anyone obsessed with the sexual chastity of others is probably into some pretty sick crap himself. You know the whole explanation if you've ever taken a Psych 101 class.

But I think the real reason I'm going to be embarrassing you social conservatives and breaking your hearts is that you ridiculous people have it coming. You deserve guys like me, and you're going to keep getting us until you learn. One right after the other. You're asking for it, and we're going to give it to you, long and hard and...

Sorry. Got a little worked up there. Excuse me, I need to go get some more tubing.

Well then. See you in the news!
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