Tuesday, May 22, 2012

A Message To The Tea Party From King George III

I was right about you lot. You just don't want to pay your bills, do you?

At the time I had doubts, of course. I was pretty cheesed off you weren't willing to pony up the money to help pay all that debt from the French and Indian War. Especially since the whole time we were over there protecting your bony asses. Ha! Sending troops overseas to help a bunch of people who act like they're your enemies. Wonder what that's like, huh?

Anyway I was mad at the time. Still, there was this little voice in the back of my head saying, "Now Georgie, you have to be a bit compassionate. These people don't have any representation. They don't hire the army or control what they do. Of course they don't want to pay for them."

That was complete nonsense. Because now, your country has its own military -- bigger and more invadey than mine ever was, by the way. You elect your own president to send them all over hell and creation, you stick those goofy yellow ribbons on your vehicles to show how much you care about them... and yet you still don't want to pay for them.

They're your redcoats, you know. The whole government's yours. And all you have to do is keep it running. Maybe you want it to be smaller, sure. I understand that. But in the end, you people -- all you people -- have to come together and make the sort of compromises necessary to keep it afloat. Many of you want to keep a massive military, low taxes, and full entitlement benefits. And that means you either discover a kind of math no one's heard of yet, or you run the whole nation into a wall.

When you're young it's cute to be an angry revolutionary who wants to tear the whole state down without a clue what you're going to put into its place. But you're more than 200 now. Act your age. Put on your big boy pants and get this sorted.

Because we are not going to take you back.

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