Saturday, May 19, 2012

A Message From A Compulsive Gambler About Attacking Iran

I don't know, man. It just seems risky. I've been up for 72 hours, and I've got some stuff on my mind about this guy who's kind of holding my kids in a storage unit until... Forget it. Anyway maybe I'm not thinking right. But we could lose really, really big on this one.

Let's break it down: We have this country which is probably building a nuke, that it might give to someone to use against us, so we and the Israelis are thinking about bombing their facilities, because possibly it's the only way to stop them, and we're kinda-sorta-fingers-crossed confident we can actually hit the right targets and maybe not kill too many innocent civilians, and it will, if we're lucky, slow or stop the nuke from being built instead of doing the exact opposite and speeding up the program, and bumping us up on the target list, and we're also guessing we won't accidentally topple the government, which would put us back in the Middle Eastern nation-building business with a country twice the size of Iraq.

Yeah, well... I count seven to ten dice rolls on that thing without even getting into the details. I made a series of bets like that once, and the result is I can't ever go back to the state of Connecticut. Believe me, I know we're running some serious risk if we do nothing. I have a keen understanding about security issues. In my case, it's all about not using my real name or getting a hotel room on a ground floor. But we're worried the Iranians could develop this weapon and attack us with it, so we're about to hit them first, even though no one can guarantee it'll work. That doesn't make sense. Not even to me, and I've had a dozen Jack and Cokes.

Plus, we're using the same intelligence agencies to guide us as we did with that other war over WMDs. Look, when they bring you into the back room and taser your balls until you cough blood, that's one casino you just don't visit again, right? I think America's balls have been tasered enough.

Finally, here's what we know about attacking Iran: innocent Iranians will get killed. Long before we find out whether it worked we will be certain we're the bunch of bastards who ruined the lives of people who didn't deserve it. I've done some stupid things before. But you have to draw a line somewhere.

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