Monday, March 26, 2012

Santorum Intern Driven Into The Wilderness For The Sins Of The Campaign

Facing almost impossible delegate math and increasingly difficult fundraising challenges, the Santorum campaign took a bold move yesterday, attempting to hit the reset button through the scapegoating ritual described in the book of Leviticus. Staffers tied a red woolen thread around the neck of Josh Teagan, Brown University sophomore and intern for the Santorum team and pushed him out of a car at a Scranton-area Greyhound station to wander the region until he is consumed by Azazel, demon of the wastelands.

"This is a smart move, but it could backfire," according to University of Virginia government professor Larry Sabato. "Azazel belongs to a class of djinn who dwell in the deserts. By devouring Josh he will help purge the Santorum campaign of its faults -- like a lack of message-discipline and an inability to win moderate female voters. On the other hand, Azazel generally backs the GOP frontrunner in a tight race."

A statement from the campaign emphasized Teagan's hard work, and said it "wished him the best in his future efforts." But in a CNN interview, the senator said he stood by his decision.

"This is a fight to bring faith back into American public life," Santorum said. "The people need to know that when I'm faced with a tough decision I won't hesitate to make a sin offering -- an intern, or a young bullock, or even seven rams without blemish -- to make sure we restore our values and get people working again."

Reached by reporters in a vacant lot behind a western Pennsylvania Howard Johnsons, Mr. Teagan seemed disheveled and angry.

"This blows!" he said. "I didn't even get course credit for any of this crap! I'm totally changing my major. Screw that guy."

Azazel could not be reached for comment.

2 comments:

  1. Two errors here:

    1. Azazel is not the only demon who concerns himself with the Republicans. I have it on excellent authority that Mammon (greed), Asmodeus (lust, which includes treating women as chattels), Behemoth (wrath), and Lucifer himself (pride) are all putting their considerable spiritual resources behind Senator Frothy Mix of Lube and Fecal Matter. The devils particularly enjoy appearing as an angel of light.

    2. Scranton is in northeast PA, not western.

    Other than that, your reportage is quite accurate.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks so much! I had it in my head that poor Josh wandered around, then took a bus one or two stops in the interim, and was in western Penn by the time the reporters caught up with him. But I did not make that clear. Your demonology is on point.

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