Thursday, March 1, 2012

Paris Hilton Proves Edgar Allan Poe Was Wrong


The above clip is the single "Drunk Text" by a group called Manufactured Superstars with vocals by Paris Hilton. Watching it is like the first time you saw Psycho when they spun Norman Bates's mom around in that chair in the fruit cellar. It has wrecked my world. It will destroy yours as well if you're not careful.

My life as a writer has been inspired and guided by my favorite quote from Edgar Allan Poe. I'm going to print the whole thing, because it's wonderful, and it will inspire you too, and then it will be really terrible when I ruin it for you:
If any ambitious man have a fancy a revolutionize, at one effort, the universal world of human thought, human opinion, and human sentiment, the opportunity is his own–the road to immortal renown lies straight, open, and unencumbered before him. All that he has to do is to write and publish a very little book. Its title should be simple–a few plain words–"My Heart Laid Bare." But–this little book must be true to its title.
Now, is it not very singular that, with the rabid thirst for notoriety which
distinguishes so many of mankind–so many, too, who care not a fig what is
thought of them after death, there should not be found one man having sufficient
hardihood to write this little book? To write, I say. There are ten thousand men
who, if the book were once written, would laugh at the notion of being disturbed
by its publication during their life, and who could not even conceive why they
should object to its being published after their death. But to write it–there is
the rub. No man dare write it. No man ever will dare write it. No man could
write it, even if he dared. The paper would shrivel and blaze at every touch of
the fiery pen.
It's good advice, right? You find the truth that scares you, and you get as close to it as you dare -- until you're actually thrilled and afraid of what you'll say next. And no matter who you are, you will be interesting. I always thought so anyway.

But what if someone could write something with complete emotional honesty, leaving nothing out at all, and what if that thing was so boring and stupid you couldn't bear it for longer than 30 seconds? It's possible I'm wrong, but I really think that's what this group has managed to do here. They have taken people like Paris Hilton, and really gotten into their innermost thoughts... and this clip that seems like it would give a gerbil seizures is the result. Staring into Paris Hilton's beady little eyes, you see it all. And that's why she's the human embodiment of what computer animators call "the uncanny valley."

Of course the group didn't just write the song about her. They're describing an entire world of people -- people you probably know. Dancing, drinking, texting, waking up foggy and slamming one of those 5-hour energy bottles so they can do it again. You've seen their hearts laid bare. This is who they really are.

And they're everywhere. If you're reading this you should know you're outnumbered.

1 comment:

  1. Poe's honesty would go deeper. It would tell why she's in that club, what she's looking for, and probably that she realizes that she won't ever find it there. And even so, it may not resonate with many, because we're not all young thin blonde women with obvious abandonment issues.

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