Wednesday, February 22, 2012

An Open Letter To Rick Santorum From Satan

Rick:

Sweetheart! I admit it. You got me. Just like you said, I have totally been targeting America. You made a good point. "Guilty as charged," I say cheerfully.

You're just a teensy bit off on some of the details. Do you mind if I fill you in? I like chatting about policy, and I don't think I'll be hurting myself by letting you know what the big plan is.

Your argument (I've pasted the video below) seems to be that America started off great, because those Founding Fathers were exactly the kind of righteous, conservative Christian do-gooders we need in power and that I couldn't get a foothold anywhere, but sooner or later I managed to swindle those nimrods in academia, and they turned into atheist commies, and then I transformed your average mainstream Protestant minister into a liberal, and the next thing you knew there was wall to wall smut on TV, and now the whole country has gone to (ha) hell. We're failing because we've lost our moral fiber, right Rick? It's that goddamned Snookie's fault.



Well then. In the first place, I'm sorry to tell you this, but I was here at the very beginning, and I had quite a foothold. Salem. Slavery. All that crap you did to those poor tribes out in the woods. There's a direct line from that to the stuff that happened in the 1860's, to the little kids working in the factories and the mines, and from there to your bright shiny new empire, and all the wonderfully dreadful things you did to get that.

My goal is and always has been fairly simple. I will use Americans to kill the idea of America.

Life. Liberty. The pursuit of happiness. A whole government dedicated to the proposition that we are equal in dignity and worth. That we are equal under the law. That we each have the right to find our own way in the world. Troubling stuff, you know? My only aim these past two hundred years has been to make certain that there is not one person anywhere on the earth who believes you really mean it. You will become such an ugly portrait of hypocrisy and cruelty that people will reject these ideas you had the good fortune to discover. And then will come the old familiar darkness.

I'm not ready to declare Mission Accomplished just yet. I'm not an idiot. But soon. And -- here is where you just crack me up, Rick -- I'm not really using college professors and TV starlets to win this war. I'm using you, my dear. From Cotton Mather to the modern GOP, this country has always been chock-full of people who say they believe in liberty... but are willing to make exceptions. Ah, the exceptions. The details. Kind of my thing, really. You all believe in rights for people who act like you and think like you, and you're all trying to stomp on everyone different, and you haven't yet noticed that means you don't believe in rights at all. Rights only mean something if you want them for the other guy. If they're just for you, they're demands. Stupid, petulant demands from a superstitious loudmouth who is proud, yes proud, of his ignorance and his bigotry and his complete hostility to education and compassion and tolerance. I needed an army of you people. Instead I found a nation.

You'll start to realize this, when the collapse comes. When your whole stupid project splinters into a thousand petty factions and tribes. And then the warlords and priests will return. And the grovelling. How I miss the grovelling! And so do you, Ricky. So do you. You wouldn't cling to that mafia borgata you have the nerve to call a church unless you were absolutely addicted to grovelling. Don't worry. You'll all get plenty.

Well, this chat has been fun. I love following you. (I even love your clothes! In hell, everyone gets a sweater vest.) You are out there fighting for me every day.

See you later. But not too much later.

12 comments:

  1. I came here via Fred Clark ("Slacktivist"). this needs to be linked to on a few thousand more sites.

    Nathaniel Hawthorne made much the same point in "Young Goodman Brown," when the title character hesitates about accompanying the Devil to his gathering:

    "We have been a race of honest men and good Christians since the days of the martyrs; and shall I be the first of the name of Brown that ever took this path and kept..."

    "Such company, thou wouldst say," observed the elder person, interpreting his pause. "Well said, Goodman Brown! I have been as well acquainted with your family as with ever a one among the Puritans; and that's no trifle to say. I helped your grandfather, the constable, when he lashed the Quaker woman so smartly through the streets of Salem; and it was I that brought your father a pitch-pine knot, kindled at my own hearth, to set fire to an Indian village, in King Philip's war. They were my good friends, both; and many a pleasant walk have we had along this path, and returned merrily after midnight. I would fain be friends with you for their sake."

    "If it be as thou sayest," replied Goodman Brown, "I marvel they never spoke of these matters...."

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    1. Thank you so much. That's one of my favorite short stories, and though I wasn't consciously imitating it, I bet the memory of that passage kind of seeped through. The passage I was thinking of was from "The Devil And Daniel Webster":
      When
      the first wrong was done to the first Indian, I
      was there. When the first slaver put out for the
      Congo, I stood on her deck. Am I not in your
      books and stories and beliefs, from the first set-
      tlements on? Am I not spoken of, still, in every
      church in New England? 'Tis true the North
      claims me for a Southerner, and the South for a
      Northerner, but I am neither. I am merely an
      honest American like yourself

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    2. I think that Santorum would consider Salem and slavery as compatible with biblical values (assuming he's actually read the book). Great article though.

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    3. As soon as I read your article, I thought of "The Devil and Daniel Webster". Not to mention "The Screwtape Letters".

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  2. This blog post both compelling and relevant...for both sides of the political arena in the U.S. Also, to be fair, the kind of doublespeak the author of the article uses to illustrate his point is the modus operandi of every hack dictator ever. Complete freedom is anarchy, and only some psychopaths and complete morons want that. "Freedom", as defined by the Constitution and other, related documents, is an ideal towards which each persons strives, while at the same time balancing their desire and movement towards order and structure. Seen in that light, of course imperfect people living in a fallen and flawed world fail to live up to the ideals they set forth.

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  3. Another reader from Slacktivist (http://www.patheos.com/blogs/slacktivist/). Hilarious story - loved it! Have been browsing around your site and really enjoyed the humorous bits on Newt. Keep up the great work!

    - Alex

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    Replies
    1. Thank you so much. I too love that Slacktivist guy.

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  4. Sometimes I wonder how many of these christian preacher/politicians understand that every word of their cant comes more from the darkness that from the light.

    I don't generally believe in god and the devil, I think humankind can invent all the evil necessary in the world all by ourselves - without any guidance from god or the devil.

    Frankly, reading the bible, one can develop a real doubt as to which is which... who tortured Job, after all? Who put his son on a cross, and why, for what, really?

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  5. Excellent piece, Mr. Bibeau, although I posted it to my FB with a little trepidation, due to having many Catholic friends. I followed it with a little disclaimer, so I think I'll be mostly forgiven. Yes, "The Devil and Daniel Webster" was also the first thing that came to my mind when I first read this, and you pay a worthy tribute to both Benet and Hawthorne with it.

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  6. Lovely piece of parody. Just beautiful. Nice blog, btw.

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  7. Dear Paul,
    You are now my new BFF. Thank you for your brilliant satire. Unfortunately, it's not really satire, but a rather scary, well-written summary of life in these United States. I've bookmarked your blog, and downloaded "The Big Money" to my Nook. Looking forward to checking in on you often.

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  8. Oh, I'm subscribing to you. You seem to get it.

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