Saturday, January 21, 2012

A Message From Newt Gingrich's Fifth Wife

My name is Bryndi. I'm not even born yet, and already I'm excited by the prospect of a Gingrich administration! It's definitely going to change my life for the better.

Our relationship will be like something out of a fairytale: We'll meet at a prayer luncheon for at risk youth when I'm 15. He'll be retired from politics, and he'll be really, really wealthy by then. Mostly because of some wars and stuff, and this deal he makes with a pharmaceutical company you won't find out about until much later. But also, because he's got this memoir out by now, and it sells a kazillion copies, because everyone in America wants to know just what was he thinking the whole time he was president.

At our first meeting there will be some small talk -- an immediate connection -- but I won't see him again (officially) until after I'm 18. By then he'll be trying to work out this deal with his fourth wife, where she lets him have sex with other women as long as he's not in a western country. But she won't agree, so they split up. Then we get married on his 88th birthday, and he dies, like, a month later. I help his handlers move him out of the hotel where it happens, and at the reading of the will my lawyer tells his family they owe us $5 million, or we're going to say stuff in open court that makes the Anna Nicole Smith case look like an episode of Masterpiece Theater. And I never have to work a single boat show or star in a Cinemax movie ever again.

So vote for Newt! He's going to make some people sad. Like liberals. And the nation of Yemen. And anyone who gets their kids vaccinated in 2014. But he'll make one little girl very, very happy.

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