Friday, January 6, 2012

Kim Jong-un For President!

Dear Hated Running Dog Capitalists,

I know my plate is kind of full, taking over after dad. I might seem like a weird choice, seeing as how my country is pretty universally reviled over there. But I don't care. I'm throwing my olive drab hat into the ring. I'm running for president, and you know what? You crazy bastards are going to elect me.
Here's the deal:

I've spent my whole childhood studying America. Sure, there was also a lot of stuff on China too, plus the typical math-science-single-malt-Scotch tasting classes. But my point is I could actually get a 4 or 5 on an AP US History class. That makes me more qualified than 95% of you and every one of your presidential candidates. And yes, I'm counting Gingrich. He's smart, but he makes up so much crap it's like he's got his own personal alternate history. But that's not the main reason.

The main reason you should let me take power is that, as your politicians are fond of saying, America is a great and noble experiment. And some experiments blow the hell up. I think we can safely say we've reached the ruined, smoldering, cracked-eyeglass-and-singed-hair stage of democracy. You gave it a good run. But let's clean up and move on.

You have a crumbling economy, failing grades, falling bridges, and your politicians have redefined bribery and corruption so it's not even criminal anymore. Plus your foreign policy depends on putting a US soldier in the middle of every ethnic, political, and religious squabble that any two people are having anywhere on the planet. And to pay for all this nonsense you guys spend a trillion dollars more than you take in every year. This is exactly the point where all the grownups get together and come up with a plan that cuts the popular expensive stuff, zeroes in on critical priorities and does some horse-trading so every rep has to go back to his or her district and deal with the same number of angry loudmouths. You grow the fuck up is what you do. I'm a 27 year-old who lives like some combo rock star/Bond villain, and even I know that.

But you're not going to do this, are you? You're going to spend 10 months in a drum-circle-tricorned-hat clusterfuck, and the screaming headlines will be about what someone did at a college party 30 years ago. The left will protect the entitlements and the government jobs, and the right is going to protect the tax rates of people who are richer than I am (And for a Commie, I am surprisingly well-off. Seriously.) You'll agree to fight each other on the stupid things, because the big things are too scary and complicated, and they call for even handedness and compromise and real sacrifice. You'll attack a few more countries. Your kids will get even more stupid, but they'll all get trophies just for trying. You'll go deeper in the hole.

I offer an alternative to all that. I will seize your security forces, crush your spirits, and execute every one of your leaders on live TV. Yeah, don't worry about the spectacle -- you'll get plenty of that under a North Korean government. It's kind of our thing. Half the country are doing a massive, endless synchronized dance routine to distract them and keep them from noticing the other half are going to crap. Of course you people are already on your way there. But I'll bring more flags, bitches.

Kim Jong-un: Because Why The Hell Not?

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