Saturday, November 12, 2011

Bellies You Can Tickle And Bellies You Can't

Tickling someone's belly is one of the most delightful things you can do, but it's also something that will get you shot through the eye by zealous security guards. In this handy guide I've organized bellies by their tickleability, and the likely outcome.


Bellies You Can Tickle


BABY
Outcome: Giggled at/Vomited on

PUPPY
Outcome: Bitten KITTY
Outcome: Bitten. Hard.

SNOOKI
Outcome: Giggled at/Vomited on


Bellies That Could Go Either Way

DALAI LAMA
Outcome: Enlightened/Beaten by Shaolin monks


QUEEN ELIZABETH II
Outcome: Arrested by English police/Knighted with an "arrangement"

AMERICAN ALLIGATOR

Outcome (lying on back/lying prone): Chafed hands/severed hands


Bellies You Can't Tickle

ULTIMATE FIGHTING CHAMPION CAIN VELASQUEZ
Outcome: Coma/Death

ANN COULTER
Outcome: Covered in fluid from venom sacs

FBI SWAT Team Agent
Outcome: Arrested/Tasered/Featured on Youtube

(Photo NoteSnooki by Aarons: /licensing info here; Dalai Lama by Luca Galuzzi of www.galuzzi.it; Alligator by Norbert Nagel/licensing info here; Cain Velasquez by The Doppelganger/licensing info here; Coulter by Kyle Cassidy/licensing info here.)

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Find Me Some Victims And I'll Totally Let You Touch My Boobs

You're what? Twelve years old? Yeah, let me explain something: You're probably not going to have any kind of physical contact with a girl for years. Looking at you, we're probably talking sophomore spring break in college before the coach is waving you to second. I'm not trying to be mean or anything. It's just the way things are. You're the nice geeky boy, and they have to wait awhile before blouses start hitting the floor. I am 243 years old. I know a few things.

But what I'm saying is it doesn't have to be this way. You have needs, I have needs. We could help each other out. What I need is someone to sedate a 150 lb. disease-free person and handcuff them to the radiator in my apartment every week. You do that and girls are yours.

Ever had a paper route? Maybe watched someone's pets while they went away for the summer? This is very similar. It's all about dependability. And being handy with a rag and some ether, but you can pick that up quick. Or you can try your luck with that Marta in your geometry class. She's cute. I think she wants to be a Lutheran minister, right? Well there's also that rollerskating party coming up this spring. Those things are hotter than a Hedonism mixer. But you don't know what that is, do you?

So you have a choice. You do some dirty work, I do some dirty work. Why not? We like each other. And you're free most evenings, which helps. It's like any other relationship you're going to have in your life. We each give something, and we make ourselves happy. What's wrong with that?

Think it over. If you're cool, just meet me in the mall parking lot tomorrow before sunset. Bring gloves, a mask, and some duct tape. It'll be like our first date.

(Lina Leandersson in Let The Right One In, a Magnet Release.)
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