Saturday, May 28, 2011

This Line Better Get Moving Quick.

What is the holdup? Seriously. I've been standing out here waiting to get into this warehouse or barn or whatever it is for the last hour. Bad enough we all had to ride packed in that train. At least they could get us into some shelter. It looks like it's going to rain, too. You'd think they would have planned this thing better. I don't even know what we're doing out here, but I'll tell you what: In about 20 minutes I'm going to do some serious complaining.

I don't even understand what they're doing. I mean if this is some kind of new system for milking us, it's a complete failure. What's going on? Brenda! Brenda! Bren -- you see anything through the crack in that door? The door, Brenda. You're standing in front of it! What?! Okay, thanks anyway. I said THANKS! (halfwit).

They don't even have any food or water for us out here. That really ticks me off. What do they expect us to do? We're cows, dammit. We're not going to order takeout. If they don't watch out some of the older ones are going to just start dropping, and then where will they be? That would really serve 'em right. I wonder if they've even thought about that risk they're running, having all these cows packed together here outside...

Frances, my nose is two feet from your behind, and if you break wind again so help me, I'm going to put a hoof up in there. You want to test me? Huh? Crap, I'm losing it. I hope this ends soon, because I don't know if I can handle this.

Hey, Brenda's gone. Thank. God. It looks like they're lining us up and getting us in. Finally, people! Well it's about time. I tell you what, I'm going to complain anyway. They ought to know that someone made a mistake somewhere. They can't fix it if someone doesn't say something. And I'm just the cow to do it. I can make some noise when I want to.

Oh, this place is a mess in here. What are they doing? Who the hell do they think they're dealing with?! This is just disgraceful. That guy up there with the drill-thingy looks like he's in charge -- I'll tell him. He doesn't know it yet, but his day is about to get ugly. I'm going to walk right up and give him a piece of my mind.

Neil Gaiman Talks About Buttons

It's that little clickety-clackety sound that does it. Well, that and the needle slicing near an eye.

Friday, May 27, 2011

Happy 100th Birthday to Vincent Price

We Won't Let Radiation Poisoning Spoil This Monopoly Game

The Hovart Family Game Night is special. And when we first created it we all agreed that nothing -- absolutely nothing -- would keep us from gathering around the table every Thursday and having some fun together. Your mother and I have canceled important business meetings before. And Jason, you remember that laser tag party you gave up? We decided to make time together a priority. Now I don't know whether the teams from FEMA will reach us in time. But I do know this: We're still together. And Helen has to roll for doubles to get out of jail.

Yes, it's hard to concentrate. The third hour of a Monopoly game is always tough. Some of you have already mortgaged a few properties, and it looks bad. But we made a rule that we always play the game to the end. It doesn't matter who has the Utilities and who's coughing blood.

And I know you're upset about Ralphie. We're all sad. But he was 10, and that's old for a golden retriever. Also he didn't obey us. Sure we didn't tell him about the danger. No one could explain "Ralphie, don't expose yourself to the dangerous fallout or you will get sick and die." But I did say "Ralphie, don't jump the fence. Bad dog." He knew that much. I'm not saying he deserved what happened. But we did our best, and as soon as a couple weeks have passed we'll be able to bury him. Just don't look in the kitchen cabinet if it makes you feel bad.

Honey, don't say that to me. You know, I wasn't going to bring this up, but I remember a certain player who lined up the Orange and Red properties a couple weeks ago, and she was not exactly gracious about it. Maybe I shouldn't have wasted money on those railroads -- that was my fault -- but I stuck through a four-hour game that I absolutely knew I was going to lose. Now that I'm the one who has the good properties suddenly you don't want to play? Oh, you're hair is falling out. How goddamn convenient.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It doesn't look that bad, hon. Don't cry in front of the kids. Look I'll tell you what. Dad's going to come to the rescue. If you agree to stick this out I will pay to get everyone's properties unmortgaged. I'll even give Helen Pacific Avenue back, so she can put houses on Green. Is that okay? Come on, everyone let's have some fun here. It's not all doom and gloom! I think we'll hear those government trucks come through any minute now, and when they arrive they'll find the happiest family in the whole primary target area.
Related Posts with Thumbnails