Friday, January 7, 2011

Look, can't we just be reasonable about this?

It's happening. Again.

God, I hate this. I hate the pattern we slip into here whenever we fight. I end up stomping on a school bus or scorching a hospital with my breath, and the next day I feel like an idiot. An aggressive, unthinking idiot.

I don't like any of it. I don't like who I become when this happens. I'm better than that. Don't you think you're better than this too? Just once, let's try to resolve our conflict in a different way. I know you've scrambled the fighters, but maybe we can take a breath here and just talk it out.

Let me tell you how it is from my perspective. I'm not criticizing. I'm just telling you how I see things and how it makes me feel:

The first emotion that hits me when you drop an atomic depth charge onto my lair is confusion and anger. I'm in hibernation for thousands of years, tired, dehydrated, hungry, and then there is this loud noise, and suddenly everything is bright and fused together with the scorching heat. I emerge from the water, and I get tangled in the nets of some fishing boat. It makes me annoyed, and I just... I just lash out.

Next thing I know I am walking onto the shore, trying to find answers, and I've crushed a highway cloverleaf. By the time I know what's happened, someone is firing a barrage of rockets at me. Sure they bounce off my thick hide. But that doesn't mean they don't hurt. Anyway, by then it's war, and neither of us are in any mood to compromise.

I realize that this must be traumatic for you as well. You hear that an entire ship has vanished in the ocean, dozens are dead, and suddenly there's this 200 ft. prehistoric creature destroying roads and bridges just outside the city limits. Am I right? You have to look strong, and that makes you act in a hostile fashion.

And neither of us wins.

I see you're moving those howitzers in place, but I'm pleading with you to take a pause and hear me out. I think we've cleared the air, and I don't want to go back to the same place we always... OWW. Ow, that really stings. Please. Please don't do that again. I believe we can move beyond this, and... Okay, that wasn't helpful either. I want you to think about what you're doing, before -- MOTHRA ON A CORKBOARD, that HURT! Stop. STOP!

Okay, you know what? I tried. I hope you've got a good civil defense plan, because this time I'm gonna take out your whole goddamn city.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Hi! I'm Dead. Let's Talk Auto Safety

video

This is a Pennsylvania State University-produced safety film from 1982. I found it over at the Internet Archive. It's exactly the kind of movie you think it's going to be from that description. I have several thoughts:

1. I think the reason they used that weird series of still shots for the crash sequence is that a lawyer came into their production offices talking about insurance premiums and risk exposure and potential lawsuits, and he just scared the bejeezus out of everyone involved in the project.

2. "This bus is gonna nosedive any second" -- seeing that line delivered with NO EMOTION WHATSOEVER does something magical for me. I don't just snicker at bad acting. It goes beyond that. I feel like that kid taking footage of the plastic bag dancing in the wind in American Beauty.

3. I thought the girl and the guy had a cute puppy-love-type chemistry. Until I realized the girl would never grow up because she was dead. And that made me pretty sad.

4. On the whole, this movie still doesn't suck like the Ghost Rider flick starring Nicolas Cage. That was not entertaining on any level.

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