Friday, September 30, 2011

Hey, The Power's Back


Attention Residents of Sunny Cove Subdivision:

Your offerings of gasoline, canned goods, and lawn furniture have been deemed INADEQUATE! If we do not receive further supplies by sundown today, I, Gerry Steubens... The Flail of Metro Richmond and the Lash of the Unworthy... shall unleash a wave of terror and destruction upon you. Your yards and gazebos shall be destroyed and salted! Your pets shall be killed or taken into slavery! You will be killed, and your wives and daughters will be...

Oh, hey. That stoplight is on now. Was that always on? ATTENTION! WAS THAT STOPLIGHT ALWAYS ON? THE ONE BY THE ENTRANCE, ACROSS FROM THE HARDEES?

WHAT? Huh.

Okay, then. Um, Thanks very much for all your help during the blackout, people. I really think we came together as a community. It was nice to see everyone helping out so much. Especially during that first night when we did that forced march to loot Rite Aid. I'm going to be stepping down now of course. I think the authorities will probably take over, so we don't really need anyone to be the Great Terror.

Obviously I'm going to release the DuPonts from my tool shed now. I want to remind everyone that they were hogging the common room facilities that first night. You all remember how boring it was, and how much we all wanted to use the bumper pool for a little community tournament. And they were being real jerks about that sign-up sheet. So, maybe I overreacted, but it's not like we didn't have a reason. There might be some kind of legal action, so I just want everyone to be fair and tell the truth.

I went too far with the brandings. There's no excuse for that one, so I just won't mention it anymore. Also, I'm sorry about what happened to Ted Martin's bull terrier. But that was an accident -- I just did not realize Juliet was in the garage when we took it out during the Night of Retribution.

I'm going to go back inside now to enjoy the air conditioning and watch some TV! I think we can all agree that's going to be great instead of the singing and chanting and mandatory supplications. Anyway, this leather mask is chafing me a little, so I'll go now. I am not going to be your warlord anymore... but I'm still Community League President, and as you know the election is next Tuesday. I'll get Juliet's head out of the playground by then.

(Photo of a burning car in Strasborg, France by Francois Schnell. Creative Commons license
here.)

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