Sunday, September 18, 2011

Dream House -- The Trailer Review



A moment by moment review of the trailer for the movie Dream House. Now you know everything.

:05 sec.
This is about two little girls who lived in a house. You know this, because the trailer opens with a voiceover by Daniel Craig saying: "Once upon a time, there were two little girls who lived in a house." Which is a solid premise. I mean, if the house is haunted and the girls have that too-perfect creepy look about them, this could start feeling like a ripoff of The Shining. But what're the odds?

:14 sec.
And this is also about Rachel Weisz, which is just fine. Because Rachel Weisz is just pure cuteness spread on a Ritz cracker with pimento. She is the closest thing a human being comes to being a Disney character. Even that completely unnecessary consonant at the end of her name is somehow perfect.

:42 sec.
So the house is being stalked by some teenage squatters who hang out with plastic baby dolls and spray paint stuff. Creeptastic. And the kids are hiding some terrible secret about the place...

:49 sec.
...which is not really a secret anymore, because the trailer just comes right out and tells you that in the house a father killed his entire family. Okay. So, that kind of blew through some plot twists. And we're getting a little closer to the Shining death-spiral we worried about earlier. But it's not as if...

:52 sec.
...they're going to show some scary backwards message in a mirror. Until they do. At this point if you have ninja training you might want to go ahead and swallow your own tongue.

1:07 sec.
I guess the only mystery left is who this homicidal dad is. His name is Peter Ward, which has a nice 19th century murder ballad feel to it. Peter Ward. Yeah. Man, I bet the story of this guy is just twisty and turny and we spend the rest...

1:12 sec.
Actually, we find out that Peter Ward is really the lead character, and he's got some kind of repressed memory thingie, where he killed his family, spent years in an institution, and now he's back in the same house without knowing it. And if you didn't suffer from oxygen deprivation as a child you have already figured that his family is probably some kind of psycho-ghostly hallucination.

1:43 sec.
But if you did suffer oxygen deprivation as a child, don't worry! Because the trailer spells all that shit out for you as well. At this point the only possible twist left is to suggest...

1:50 sec.
...that Peter Ward didn't really kill his family after all...

1:53 sec.
...and show us a menacing shot of the guy who probably did.

2:00 sec.
Here is where you look at the video's toolbar and realize you still have 30 seconds left. Ominous voices. Jarring sound effects. Enough CGI to help George Lucas masturbate to completion.

2:31 sec.
What does it all mean? Possibility Number One is this movie is packed with so many more plot twists that you will leave the theater feeling like that first time you smoked pot and saw The Wall. Possibility Number Two involves you sitting there in the dark with your Jujubes and really trying to enjoy the hell out of the sound effects. But not the CGI. Let's try to keep it clean, people.

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