Saturday, June 25, 2011

We're Putting America On The Buddy System! - A Message From The Department Of Homeland Security

Hi everyone:

It's me, Janet, with an update from your pals at DHS.

You probably know as soon as the government unveils the 2012 Invasions we're going to face new and different security challenges in this country (I can't tell you which countries we've picked but here's a hint: Expect to see a few Celine Dion fans blowing themselves up at a shopping mall near you).

Now, DHS can't make all 300 million of you go through daily body scans -- believe me, we looked into it. But we still need to try to protect our citizens from a wide range of potential attacks in a world where 7 out of every 10 religious, national, ethnic, and tribal conflicts are being fought by the US military.

So we're using the buddy system. It'll be fun! It'll be just like you remember at camp, only the camp will be the whole darn country!

Two weeks from now you'll get a letter in the mail from the Social Security Administration with the name, address, and contact information of your new buddy. Reach out and say hi. Then within 30 days one of you should move in with the other -- or you can both relocate to a new place, as long as you fill out a form which will be available on the DHS website. And all you have to do after that is to just be a good friend. Carpool to work, cook dinner together, plan joint family vacations, and just spend some quality time together. I know you can. America is the friendliest place on earth, and this is a chance to meet new and exciting people and monitor them.

Try to share stories, give each other advice and keep each other safe from politically motivated mass killings. And do what friends are supposed to do: Open up and really listen. And while you're listening, notice if they say or do something non-buddyish. Maybe one day you'll be chatting over cards, and they say that they know how to introduce weaponized anthrax into the ventilation system of a large building. Or you'll be noshing on some Chinese takeout, and they'll just blurt out: Mao said that a guerrilla must move amongst the people as a fish swims in the sea.

At that point you should contact your friendly authorities at an FBI field office near you. They'll handle the rest. You might need to sign a nondisclosure agreement promising not to mention your friend ever again if we need to put him somewhere. And if you are a member of Amnesty International you may need to go through a short supplementary interview to make sure we know some other stuff about you. But don't worry. Soon you'll get a new buddy. We'll make sure you're never lonely. Where's the fun in that?

I know with your cooperation we can make this a real success. That's all. For now anyway. See ya!

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