Sunday, June 19, 2011

Guess What? I'm Back.


A funny thing happened after you jagoffs left me up here in space to die. There I was, hurtling around the planet and getting a bit uncomfortable, because my orbit was decaying and it was getting kind of hot in my tiny hunk of metal. And I saw that long tunnel with the soft, heavenly light, and I figured that was the end of ol' Laika. I felt good, because soon I'd be chasing squirrels with my mom. But I also felt bad, because I wouldn't get to come back to earth and rain bloody, spit-flecked vengeance down on you bastards.

And suddenly the light changed a funny color, and there was this weird electronic humming sound, and I realized I was caught in some kind of tractor beam that was pulling me aboard an alien spaceship. That was enough of a shock, but wait -- it gets better. The creatures are all highly advanced, and they use these nanotech implants to make themselves super-geniuses and give themselves the kind of telekinetic powers that would make Carl Sagan piss himself if he knew about it. And you know what they look like, these scary-ass aliens with weird, freaky demon mojo? They look like beagles.

Yeah, some kind of evolutionary detour happened on their planet. And needless to say, when they popped me out of that godforsaken contraption you guys strapped me in they wanted some answers fast. They got kind of mad when I told them about it. Really mad. You'd think that an advanced race like that would have some kind of pacifist attitude toward all the lower creatures. But evidently they have their limit. Long story short: I got one of those nanotech brain-thingies, and they made me the Overlord of this whole jerkwater planet.

Seriously. You people work for me now. By now you've already seen what I can do. You know how just fifteen minutes ago you got a news report that thousands of letter carriers on every continent started gushing blood out their ears and keeled over? That was totes me. Call it a warm-up act. The next few weeks are going to look like a mashup of All Dogs Go To Heaven and Scanners.

Open the pounds and unlock the deli counters, because there's a new boss in town. And every one of you is going to learn how to balance a damn jerky-treat on your nose, and see how you like it. Payback's a bitch, and that bitch is named Laika.

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