Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Daddy Was Just Screaming At Someone He Knew 20 Years Ago.

It's alright. It's alright. I'm sorry honey. Daddy wasn't getting angry at you -- honest. It's a long drive to grandma's, and when I'm in the car for awhile it gives me time to think. And that's not always good. I was just mad about something, and I didn't even know it until I started thinking those angry thoughts, and I was talking out loud without realizing it.

I do that from time to time. I know. I don't think Daddy's does that often, but still. I know what you're saying. I can see that it upsets you, and I don't want to do it. I'll try really hard, okay? Okay? Let's see a smile. C'mon! There we go! I didn't mean any of it. It's just that I imagine something someone said to me -- something I didn't like -- and it gets me so worked up I start saying all the things to them that I wanted to say at the time, but didn't. It's like they're here in the front seat with me while I'm driving, and the talk we have just replays over and over. Remember that time we scratched the Blue's Clues DVD, and it made the guy freeze up and repeat that dance he did? Remember how funny it was? Dad's brain is just like that. Things freeze up, or repeat themselves again and again, and he can't stop it. He tries and tries to say the perfect thing to that person from 20 years ago, because he was really, really mad, and nothing works, and before he realizes it he's talking out loud -- maybe even shouting -- because he forgets that it's over, and he can't get the opportunity back no matter how hard he tries.

It was an old boss of Daddy's. Back from when he lived in New York. Maybe it's because we just passed that sign for the New York exit. I think that's what made me remember it. His name was Frank, and he was my boss at a newspaper. And he yelled at me all the time. It was humiliating.

That's a big word, isn't it? HU-MIL-EE-ATING. It means he made me feel bad about myself. So bad that I'm still thinking about it even now. A lot of bad things happened to me in New York, and I find myself thinking about them, and I get kind of lost sometimes. It's hard to explain. Maybe you'll understand when you're older. Actually, I hope you don't... but it's not always up to Daddy. What happens.

Hey, I know. Who wants to stop at Dairy Queen?!

1 comment:

  1. Oh, gosh. This is very moving. Excellent depiction of transference.

    ReplyDelete

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