Friday, May 27, 2011

We Won't Let Radiation Poisoning Spoil This Monopoly Game

The Hovart Family Game Night is special. And when we first created it we all agreed that nothing -- absolutely nothing -- would keep us from gathering around the table every Thursday and having some fun together. Your mother and I have canceled important business meetings before. And Jason, you remember that laser tag party you gave up? We decided to make time together a priority. Now I don't know whether the teams from FEMA will reach us in time. But I do know this: We're still together. And Helen has to roll for doubles to get out of jail.

Yes, it's hard to concentrate. The third hour of a Monopoly game is always tough. Some of you have already mortgaged a few properties, and it looks bad. But we made a rule that we always play the game to the end. It doesn't matter who has the Utilities and who's coughing blood.

And I know you're upset about Ralphie. We're all sad. But he was 10, and that's old for a golden retriever. Also he didn't obey us. Sure we didn't tell him about the danger. No one could explain "Ralphie, don't expose yourself to the dangerous fallout or you will get sick and die." But I did say "Ralphie, don't jump the fence. Bad dog." He knew that much. I'm not saying he deserved what happened. But we did our best, and as soon as a couple weeks have passed we'll be able to bury him. Just don't look in the kitchen cabinet if it makes you feel bad.

Honey, don't say that to me. You know, I wasn't going to bring this up, but I remember a certain player who lined up the Orange and Red properties a couple weeks ago, and she was not exactly gracious about it. Maybe I shouldn't have wasted money on those railroads -- that was my fault -- but I stuck through a four-hour game that I absolutely knew I was going to lose. Now that I'm the one who has the good properties suddenly you don't want to play? Oh, you're hair is falling out. How goddamn convenient.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It doesn't look that bad, hon. Don't cry in front of the kids. Look I'll tell you what. Dad's going to come to the rescue. If you agree to stick this out I will pay to get everyone's properties unmortgaged. I'll even give Helen Pacific Avenue back, so she can put houses on Green. Is that okay? Come on, everyone let's have some fun here. It's not all doom and gloom! I think we'll hear those government trucks come through any minute now, and when they arrive they'll find the happiest family in the whole primary target area.

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