Thursday, October 16, 2014

"Fuck This Whale. Right In His Blowhole." One Star Reviews Of Classic Literature

These single-star reviews are from Goodreads, and yes, I admit this is therapy. I've included each work's average star rating (out of five), and I cleaned up some misspellings. I wanted to make fun of these people, but many of the reviews are actually sort of wonderful. I may post more soon.

Some of you know I've written a bizarre, dark horror story about the Bible. I've just released it, reviews are only beginning to accumulate, and I am anxiously waiting for my trip through the industrial shredder that is social media. Everyone has a right to an opinion, and no, not all opinions are equal. But who gets to judge?

I have to get back to work. Enjoy the post, and check out The Black Book Of Children's Bible Stories. I'm excited to discover what the internet thinks of me.

The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain (3.78 stars)

One of the reasons why I hate this book because its confusing just everything, coming all at once. I have to stop and be like "Wait, what's happening here"? Also because of the hill billy like language too. Another reason why I hate it, is because its sad, I don't like that a lot of people die, to me its just slightly annoying about [how] people keep dying, cause you can get also bored with it. The last reason why I hate this book is because its in a different time period, which is not that interesting to me. - Marina Cohen

This author clearly doesn't know how to write. I understand that slavery was a huge issue at the time, but I didn't like reading such a racist book. This was the worst book I've ever read, and I've read Twilight, so that's saying something. - Holly

Hamlet by William Shakespeare (3.98 stars)

After reading this and Romeo and Juliet, I strongly believe that Shakespeare is one overrated playwright. I will only read another play of his if I'm assigned one in other English classes down the road. - Jacob

This book/play is stupid and full of suck. SPOILER ALERT* Hamlet makes out with his mom then everyone dies the end. - Jaimee Michael

Hamlet faces many challenges throughout the play, as well as many deaths and murders. I wouldn't recommend this to anyone because I didn't exactly enjoy the book I guess if I had to, I would recommend this book to people who like Shakespeare plays. - Heather Scheer

Great Expectations by Charles Dickens (3.7 stars)

Dickens is a jerk. Nobody likes his stuff, they're just afraid to say it because he's supposed to be classy. - Robert

I read this book not once, not twice, but THREE F*CKING TIMES. I wanted so badly to like it just because Dickens wrote it. So, I say this in the most loving way possible: I wouldn't even wipe my ass with this. - T.Y.


Moby Dick by Herman Melville (3.4 stars)

It's just that any enjoyment or satisfaction I got out of the book was overshadowed by the tedious, largely pointless stretches of encyclopedic descriptions about the whaling industry. Melville strikes me as one of those people who would corner you at a party and talk incessantly about whaling, whaling ships, whales, whale diet, whale etymology, whale zoology, whale blubber, whale delicacies, whale migration, whale oil, whale biology, whale ecology, whale meat, whale skinning, and every other possible topic about whales so that you'd finally have to pretend to have to go to the bathroom just to get away from the crazy old man. Only he'd FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM and keep talking to you about whales while peering over the side of the stall and trying to make eye contact with you the whole time. - Jamie

Fuck this whale. Right in his blowhole. - Jay Kristoff

The Stranger by Albert Camus (3.92 stars)

“The Stranger” is some seriously weak shit. I’ve gotten more enjoyment from looking [at] a map of Kentucky. - Chris

I thought this book was a waste of time about a guy who was wasting his existence. I guess I wouldn't make a very good existentialist. - Danielle The Book Huntress

That awkward moment when you don't seem to be able to like something that everybody likes. Well not just everybody, but people whose opinion you value. This is what I feel now. - Maryam

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Good Reviews Are Coming In For My Horror Novel

Thanks to everyone who has read this. I'm going to be posting about my sources and influences in the next few days. We'll talk about severed heads, true crime TV shows, ghosts, and the devil. It will be fun. Promise.

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Pat Robertson Finds A Monster In The Cellar

Western civilization is an ancient and beautiful structure. We're lucky to live here, mostly. But below this house is a cellar. And in that cellar is a monster. You knew that already.

Anyway, if you're a certain type of social conservative you pretend the monster doesn't exist. So if someone sends you down the stairs to rummage around, it can be quite a shock.

A couple of weeks ago someone sent Pat Robertson to the cellar.

It was one of his viewers. She wanted him to explain why the Bible's bloody parts are different than the bloody parts in the Quran. This difference is important to some of us, because it justifies the things we want to do to Muslims. (Of course, many people would argue we don't want to do any of it. We have to, because they're brutal people. That's what the issue is. Whether Muslims are brutal by their nature; if it's fair to judge them by the worst in their group.)

So Pat found himself halfway down the stairs, his feeble white hand trembling on the banister. He was trying to spot the chain to the overhead bulb in the center of the room. Someone had spilled something on the cement floor. It had barely dried.

We keep so many things down here. It's cluttered. It's not safe. Pat needed to look up one of our old stories. According to a founding document of our culture, God ordered His own chosen people to commit mass murder.

Now go, attack the Amalekites and totally destroy all that belongs to them. Do not spare them; put to death men and women, children and infants...

This is 1 Samuel 15:3, and it's part of a campaign of terror and bloodshed the Israelites waged as they took control of the Holy Land. Pat himself referred to it as "the wars of extermination." God and his prophets repeatedly commanded that the Israelites kill their enemies. It was their duty. Even the infanticide.

God is the supreme Lord of life, and can require his own when he pleaseth; infants likewise are born in sin, and therefore liable to God's wrath.

This was how John Wesley justified it, adding...

Their death also was rather a mercy than a curse, as being the occasion of preventing their sin and punishment.

Today many of us say that's not what the Judeo-Christian tradition is about. Progressive believers argue that the text itself is deeply flawed. I think that's the only decent way to think about the Bible. There's just too much murder in that book. Large portions of it are immoral. Not old-fashioned or weird, but wicked and wrong. You have to absolutely reject some of it, or the parts about love and compassion are meaningless. They are actually obscene.

Not everyone thinks this way though. There are many, many people of faith out there still who agree with John Wesley that butchering children was justified. Writing for The Briefing, John Allister compared it to the ethics of assassinating Adolf Hitler - taking life for the greater good. The cellar is where we keep all the stuff some of us try to ignore about our past, and our values. But others - let's be honest - actually like coming down here. They vote. They have power. They support our leaders when they wage war, and they always have reasons. They too define who we are.

Who are we, actually?

Pat found his footing, walked into the stale air, and he decided not to turn on the light. He heard breathing in the corner. He smiled at what was sitting there. What had always been sitting there.

It smiled back at him.

I wrote an entire novel about these things. It's THE BLACK BOOK OF CHILDREN'S BIBLE STORIES, and you can find it here. Tomorrow and Thursday it will be free at Amazon.

Monday, October 6, 2014

Talk To Your Loved Ones About My Book

"Hi mom. It's me. Hey, you know how you just went back and re-read The Best Of Me, and you were saying it didn't have enough annotations and nihilism? Well I think I found something for you. It's called The Black Book Of Children's Bible Stories, and it's free this Wednesday and Thursday."

"Aunt Jo! Thanks again for the cupcakes. My roommate and I loved the M&M's. You're always so thoughtful. I wanted to do something for you. Follow this link and get a free book that's really going to fuck you right up."

"Dad, I know everything's tough lately. You try and try, but no one cuts you a break at that stupid job. Well, I recently found something that changed how I look at the world. It's called The Black Book Of Children's Bible Stories, it's an experimental horror story about Scripture, and its ultimate point is that all human attempts to construct meaning are doomed, and that we're alone, we have no way of figuring out what's happening to us, and we're going to die and be forgotten forever. So screw the job, really. They're lucky you haven't poisoned them all."

"Hello? Sure you can come in and tell me something about your church. I'd love that! Tell you what, though. Before you start I want to read you something first..."

Friday, October 3, 2014

"Welcome Back To The Shadows, America," By Dick Cheney

Hello, old friends. Nice to see you again. I think it's time we had a chat. We're going to be here together for a while.

I'm not sure you understood me when I first said America would need to spend some time in the shadows. It was just after 9/11, and people weren't thinking clearly. Fear will do that to you, won't it? You start seeing monsters everywhere, and you freeze up. You look for someone, anyone to make the terror go away. You probably thought I was talking about sending spies and special operators into the dark corners of the world to do all the brutal things we'd need to do. Yes, that was part of it. But I was also talking about you. You're here in a kind of moral twilight with them. With me.

Just yesterday CNN reported that we're relaxing the rules about killing civilians during our air war against ISIS. The locals have already reported noncombatant casualties, but the US government hasn't confirmed it. You don't know every detail. So when you give your president a bump in the polls for prosecuting this war, you don't really have to think about whether we're going to end the lives of innocent people - a growing number as the situation spirals out of control, which it will, because it always does, and you know that too, and also don't know it. The deaths that you cause will be numbers. Footnotes. Sentence fragments buried deep into news reports you'll barely skim. You won't have to see a tiny shoe beneath some rubble and know that it's all that remains of someone's child. This war has gone on for more than a decade, and you've never had to know those kinds of things.

You agree to it all, as long as we agree to punish anyone who tells you what's happening. You'll let the government have the authority it wants, but it must lie. Because if it lies to you then you're not the ones who are really monsters. No. The shadows - the moral twilight - they hide you from yourself. And it depends on people like me. 

It makes me happy just to think about it. It makes me feel needed.

You really did love me all this time.

Didn't you?

The dead you love are in a kind of Schrodinger's experiment... spiraling out of control, the box closed forever and the ones inside neither really here nor ever gone.

"She's watching over us." 
"He's so proud." 
"They'll always be with you. I can feel it. I can tell."

Keep it shut long enough, and they'll follow you down every street. Keep it shut long enough, and they'll never be far away.
This is what it means to live in two worlds. To pray. To hope for something better. 

THE BLACK BOOK OF CHILDREN'S BIBLE STORIES is about faith and loss, and a haunted house hidden so well you didn't notice you'd been living there your whole life. GET IT FREE ON OCT 8 AND OCT 9.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

A Message From Jesus Christ On The Targeted Killings

You already kind of know what I'm going to say, don't you? Love your enemies, do unto others, all that stuff about the least of your brothers... I've gone on record about how you should treat each other. Sure, I didn't actually tell you, "Don't fire a mess of Tomahawks through someone's living room." I didn't think it would be necessary to spell it out. You Americans have a country absolutely packed to the ceiling with people who claim to follow me. But you are really, really comfortable with dropping high explosives on people.

Now we're going to talk about whether I was a pacifist, aren't we? I mean, what if you come across a bunch of bad guys who are going to do some harm to an innocent person? What if violence is the only way to prevent more violence? This is your way of dodging the question. Because you look reasonable if you make the choice between doing absolutely nothing in the face of evil... or airstrikes, home invasions, and encircling the world with a network of military bases. It's dishonest, and you know it. You guys say you're all about me, but you really act like the people who did that hilarious thing with those thorns. Enhanced interrogation, right? I sure know all about that. They were laughing while they did it. It was just like those news reports you don't think about. Like a prank gone too far. They were exactly the type to take selfies afterwards.

No, you always pretend this stuff is necessary. Always. You always excuse it. The pacifist thing is a way to make the job impossible. So that you can stop trying to be good. So that you can do all the terrible things you want to do. And you do want to do them. You're addicted to violence. Violence is your country's last and greatest export.

Let me clear something up: When I said that if you live by the sword you'll die by the sword, I wasn't giving a commandment from God. I was just giving advice. If you hit someone they'll hit you back. If you kill them so they can't hit back, their second cousin will pop out from around a corner tomorrow. Which means your brother has to burn that guy's house down, and this forces his tribe to slaughter your tribe. And so on. Until you live in a world where you have to spend every moment of every day doing hideous things to each other to stay safe, and it's never enough. And it won't be enough until the world runs out of people. That's how it works.

So many of you believe an Iron Age scroll is a solid science textbook, but you have trouble accepting that a first century Jew in occupied Palestine might know a thing or two about the nature of violence.

Forget I'm Me. Just consider the obvious. You've completed a 20-year cycle of escalating missile attacks, kidnappings, interventions, and turning your country into a giant prison. The result, they tell you, is that now the threat is even greater than before. And the solution? Let's do all the same things that worked so well the first time.

Stop being idiots. I really should have said it during the big speech on the mountain. But you probably wouldn't have listened to that either.


The dead you love are in a kind of Schrodinger's experiment... spiraling out of control, the box closed forever and the ones inside neither really here nor ever gone.
"She's watching over us." 
"He's so proud." 
"They'll always be with you. I can feel it. I can tell." 
Keep it shut long enough, and they'll follow you down every street. Keep it shut long enough, and they'll never be far away.
This is what it means to live in two worlds. To pray. To hope for something better. 

THE BLACK BOOK OF CHILDREN'S BIBLE STORIES is about faith and loss, and a haunted house hidden so well you didn't notice you'd been living there your whole life. GET IT FREE ON OCT 8 AND OCT 9.

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Today My Novel Is Free On Amazon

We talk about our dead as if they were part of Schrodinger's experiment. As if it had spiraled out of control, the box closed and the one inside appearing everywhere and always out of reach.

Keep the box closed forever, and she'll follow you down each street.

Keep the box closed forever, and she'll never be far away.

The Black Book Of Children's Bible Stories is a novel of supernatural horror. It is about language and loss. It is a text whose words are all around you. SEE IT HERE.
Related Posts with Thumbnails