A Message From Dick Cheney's Horcrux

Greetings:

I am speaking to you from a parallel dimension of foul darkness and high-sodium foods. My existence is a constant torment to me. I beg you to defeat my master and smash me with the Hammer of Shrieking obtained by Cory Booker in the vaults below Newark Airport.

But beware! Terrible times have befallen the Democratic Party, and the power of He Who Shall Not Be Named grows. With the scandals bedeviling the Obama administration, progressives across the internet shall be sorely tempted to spin, to obfuscate, to dabble in horsecrap. People may write articles on DailyKos acting like they're sure the IRS did nothing wrong, or that this is all somehow George Bush's fault. That the issues themselves are all bogus and don't really need to be investigated. The temptation shall grow as Republican after Republican comes forward with ridiculous, self-serving arguments, and the crazy Palin voter in your family barrages you with hateful email gloating.

Do not take up the weapons of The Enemy as your own! For in that moment, your will becomes his plaything and join me forever in the shadows.

You must commit yourself to honesty and accountability in government, no matter the cost. The facts will reveal themselves in all their complexity, and the administration's going to take some whacks, but that's not a completely bad thing.

The strength of any political group is its ability to adjust to reality. Yet it is the primary job of pundits, hacks, and internet hiveminds to blunt this tool, to steal it away for short-term advantage. Marvel not at these things! - readers and viewers never admit it, but they reward people for telling them what they already think. And when a party or movement gets too good at protecting its own, it becomes trapped by its rhetoric. It becomes capable of thinking, for example, that women are all secretly pro-life and Latinos are libertarian, but just don't know it yet. The group will dismiss facts of math and science. And it will lose elections.

Take the difficult and perilous path. The only way out of hell is through. Demand a transparent administration so that you may become stronger and appeal to moderates. Free me from this terrible curse and send the One Who Made Me back to the pit from which he came by guessing his secret name.

And keep Ted Cruz out of the White House, because that mess ought to put a scare into you people.

Good luck.

Out To Lunch - Back At 1

I'm taking a 10 day break from the fast-paced world of international blogging. I need to work on my longer piece, The Black Book of Children's Bible Stories.

I have nothing to write about the terrible events in Boston, other than the obvious: What happened was horrible, and I'm sorry. Some people need to learn that others exist.

Bye for now. Take care of yourselves.

UPDATE: I was going to be back April 26, but the work on the novella is going well, and I want to stick with it. I'm giving myself until mid-May to get back to the blog. I figure you can find plenty of crazy on the internet to amuse yourselves with.

A Gun Control Message From Rand Paul's Beautiful, Lustrous Hair

Hey. I just wanted to make something clear: I'm not the one voting for all these crazy things, okay? I'm attached to Sen. Paul, but we don't always agree politically. Two senators with A ratings from the NRA come up with a background check law that makes it illegal to create any kind of registry so Obama can swipe your rifle from you in the dead of night. It passes the first hurdle with a 68/31 win. And one of the few holdouts is the dude who lives just downstairs. Believe me, I'm as shocked as any of you.

Guys, this is not my fault. I'm one scoop of Silver Fox and two scoops of Little Orphan Annie. I am fun and frisky. And there's nothing fun and frisky about political extremism.

We can debate the merits of individual gun control measures, but the idea of expanding background checks in the wake of Newtown is just good common sense. I'm mostly mindless filaments of protein, and even I know that. If you use this bill to create a list of guns so you can confiscate them, you get 15 years in prison. How could anyone still think this is a secret government plot?

I'm obviously aligned with Paul on a number of issues - we both hate humidity and anything by Axe. But he's just catering to the conspiracy nutjobs on this one. I disagree, and I wanted to say this publicly. I've got my own fanbase to worry about. (And yes ladies, I'm pro-choice too.)

I'm a people pleaser! I do everything I can to be friendly and appealing - from the first morning blow-dry and moisturizing until I get carefully wrapped in a shower cap so I won't lose body at night.

I can't help it if I'm growing out of a big pile of crazy.

The UN's Agenda 21: They're Trying To Seize The Bacon

We need to send a powerful message to Barack Obama and his globalist allies in the UN - Leave our bacon alone. Since he was elected after disparaging people in the heartland who cling to their guns and their religion, Obama has made it clear that he will simply not respect the rights of Christian Americans.

And what do those Christian Americans want more than anything else? It should be clear to you, because it's damn sure clear to our enemies. Christianity, from the very beginning, was focused like a laser on taking the Mosaic covenant and updating it to include sweet, sweet crackling pork fat. After the gay rights crowd finishes destroying the idea of marriage that we've gotten from the parts of the Bible we agree with, they're going to come after us by saying that we're hypocrites about the dietary laws. Haven't you already seen this? Open your eyes, people!

And the United Nations is already implementing its stealth program to impose totalitarian - yes, totalitarian - controls on our citizens with its sustainable growth program, Agenda 21. Republicans in states like Missouri and Oklahoma are banning it, and the Tea Party movement has mobilized against this, but you need to join the fight. Because even though the plan is a completely non-binding list of environmental goals from a largely incompetent organization... it's clear this is about establishing a one world government in the near future.

Plus, the guns. They are going to register your guns, so that they can take them away leaving you unable to defend yourselves. And with Obama's plan to destabilize the nation's economy, you won't have enough money to feed your own family - so you'll have to rely on government subsidies.

A plan to control agriculture and industry. A plan to take our weapons away. A plan to decide what we're going to eat. And a growing demonization of the Christian approach to hand-picking which Biblical commandments we're going to follow.

Don't you see? Doesn't it all make sense? This is all about the bacon, people.

That's as good a theory as any of the other ones out there. It involves the people we hate threatening the things we love. And we feel it's true, don't we? That's all it takes. Notify Alex Jones and Red State and your top thousand Facebook friends. They want our delicious freedoms.

We must stand up and tell them... from my cold, dead, greasy hands.

They Don't Respect Second Amendment Rights At Fuddruckers

These are dark times, my friends. Obama and the globalists are working to take your guns and cause economic and cultural collapse, so they can hold ultimate power over you. Everyone who isn't afraid of the truth already knows this. These people have allies everywhere - in Hollywood and the media, and especially in big business. And, it turns out, the gun grabbers have important ties with the security staff at major restaurant franchises.

Like Fuddruckers. You think it's the kind of place that respects freedom, because it allows you to build your own hamburger from an ample condiment bar? Nothing could more untrue. It is at that casual dining establishment that you will encounter the cold iron hand of tyranny.

Like a lot of people, I know that there's nothing this administration would like more than to seize my firearms and detain me as an enemy combatant. Only the sheeple think any differently. So, I've started carrying my arsenal with me everywhere I go. I am a sovereign citizen and a part of the well-regulated militia that our Founders envisioned. You claim your unconstitutional "gun control laws" say I can't bring my legally-obtained AR-15 into a public space in order to defend myself against possible attacks by thugs and criminals and jackbooted authorities like "Gary," the assistant manager (if that's even his real name)? Molon Labe, people.

The other thing I know is that under common law, I have the right to freely enter into contracts with other adults, and I expect that those contracts will be honored. The so-called federal government is so busy enforcing extreme liberal social policy, that it doesn't accomplish the basics, like making sure that an eating establishment that bills itself as having the "world's greatest hamburgers" and advertises a wide selection of toppings isn't going to suddenly decide that running out of jalapenos is "no big deal." I'm sorry. I didn't fight in 23 weekend training exercises with the Wisconsin Citizens Fusiliers to see my God-given natural rights flushed down the drain, just because some produce truck jackknifed in another state. Listen to me, you statists like Attorney General Holder and Gary - your excuses don't let you take my freedoms away. And if you try, I'm going to get mad and then you'll have a problem on your hands. It's going to be the same way when you finally come for our weapons and put us into camps. We're going to fight back, and people are going to get hurt.

This time it was me, sure. I thought those taserings were really, really unnecessary. And the restraining order shows me you don't respect this country. Not really.

So be it, Fuddruckers. It just proves to me that I need to be growing more of my own food and living off the grid. And I need to spend time with people who are not afraid of real American values.

Not Wendy's of course. They're a bunch of liars.

Rand Paul's Grand Slam Of Awful

Rand Paul is threatening to filibuster even those gun control bills he has not seen, and he's made it clear he opposes the kind of commonsense background checks that will help prevent dangerous people from being able to kill you.

And this completes the set. Paul is now an official member of every recent list you've seen of Republicans who voted in incomprehensible ways, because they hate it when government does its job.

He  opposed the Violence Against Women Act. He was a member of the "Hurricane Sandy Hypocrites," voting against disaster relief for others after requesting it for his own people. And he was one of the sponsors of the Life At Conception Act, which would redefine a fetus as a person with full legal rights at the moment of conception.

It's clear that Rand Paul wants your uterus to be more heavily regulated than that AR-15 you need to fight the UN invasion. He opposes not just government overreach, but government, period. He's against gay rights and he's not really sure whether evolution is a thing. If the feds are going to take action to curb school massacres or respond to a life-threating catastrophe, he's one of those people who will find an excuse to bug out. And he simply doesn't respect the rights of women. In any functioning democracy when a politician makes it his business to alienate more than half of the voters and cater to people living in bunkers, we say that candidate is not serious about national office. We don't have articles about how he's bringing his crazy beliefs into the mainstream.

Is this clear to everyone now? Can we stop talking about how he's some kind of new Republican?

People on the right ought to stop treating him like Jesus and John Galt had a curly-haired baby, and it spells out Peggy Noonan speeches with its blocks. People on the left need to find their balls and realize that occasionally agreeing with the guy on flying killer robots isn't going to help him to sneak into the White House. (Because when an unreasonable person says something reasonable the absolute worst thing you can do is argue. And I shouldn't even need to point that out, but somehow I feel like I hafta.)

We all have a fix on Rand Paul now? How many pieces of the puzzle does the guy need to put together, before we all agree he's an ordinary right winger? Can we dismiss him and move on to stomping Rubio? I have crap to do, and I want to stop bothering about this.

Death With Dignity? Not For This Guy!

With the passing of major political and cultural figures, I guess we're all thinking about mortality. It's important to ponder how you'll handle your end, when it comes. Dying with dignity is everyone's right. But it's a right I choose not to exercise.

As the grisly reaper nears, the last thing I want to do is to behave with courage and decorum. I plan on shrieking like a little girl, clinging to the hospital orderlies, and dismaying everyone with the ugly spectacle. The terror of death will probably make me convert to some bizarre cult, and I'll disavow everything I ever believed. Maybe guilt my friends and family into indulging me while I accuse them of never having loved me, and... let's just say stealing my clothes. Something like that, anyway. It'll be extemporaneous like freeform jazz. Only instead of music, they'll hear hateful, self-pitying nonsense.

They won't put up with much of it, let me tell you. Who would?

Anyway, as you reach the last hours of your life it's important to meet them on your own terms. And in my case, those terms include unbelievable cowardice. We all want to leave behind an example to others. It's our way of aspiring to immortality. My example will be a picture of a guy who was so completely without self-respect that he became an angry, obnoxious burden to all who cared for him. That picture is going to last, believe me. It will be unforgettable.

Our time here is short. I want to live every moment like I mean it. And for some of those moments, I'm going to be very, very unpleasant to be around. It's all any of us can do.

Yolo!