Wednesday, March 4, 2015

A Message To The Ferguson PD From An M. Night Shyamalan Movie

Wait. Wait just a minute. You gotta give me a second to wrap my head around this. I mean, I'm kind of the expert on weird, completely unexpected twists, but this is too much. Just too much. I got that report on your department, and I'm still trying to process it.

Okay. Tell me if I'm wrong on this, but does this mean that you guys were a bunch of racists from the very beginning?

Whoah.

At first I thought I had to be reading that wrong. Crude bigoted jokes around the department - really nasty stuff - rampant harassment on the street, and a cop releasing a dog to bite some 14 year-old kid. It just didn't make sense. It wasn't the story I thought I was following, you know?

Man, that reveal was incredible. The cops were actually racists. My mind was blown, man.

But now that I'm thinking about it, I guess the signs were there, weren't they? I didn't see it at first, but now that I know what the end is, I can go back and piece together all the telltale details. Like the fact that there were almost no African American officers on the force. That slipped right by me, but it was like a great big steaming clue. Also, when people protested in the street, and the cops turned out in military gear like an occupying army and harassed every journalist? Yeah, that seems clearer to me now. Wow. I totally missed that.

Also the dead guy. I mean, that's really the biggie I guess.

In fact, the more I think about it the weirder it seems that I didn't get it right then. The officer shot him multiple times, and they just let the cop walk almost immediately. I really should have assumed that was kind of the key to the whole thing. The only problem is that it's kind of... common. Cops are out there killing black people all the time, you know? It's been happening everywhere.

Wait. Hold it.

Holy crap! Hold on a second here. Because if this is really the sign, then that means this racism - this crazy, absolutely unbelievable account of racist cops - it might not only be in one ass-backwards town out in the Midwest. This racist cop thing might be... it might be all over the place.

Is that it? Is that what this is about? Did I get it? Wow. That's a hell of a story.

Jesus, what if it were true?

THE BLACK BOOK OF CHILDREN'S BIBLE STORIES is about faith and loss, and a haunted house hidden so well you didn't notice you'd been living there your whole life. BUY IT HERE.

We Have To Stop Rogue Nations. Like Iran.

I worry about Iran. I really do. And I'm glad at least some of our leaders see it for what it is - a lawless nation. It's a threat to peace. Anyone who pays attention knows that.

Iran, let's never forget, was the only country ever to use nuclear weapons against civilians.

Sure, that happened a long time ago. But they've continued to spend billions of dollars every year to support the only country in that region with a secret nuclear weapons stockpile, a country that commits war crimes and actually tried to spread its atomic arsenal to evil regimes like apartheid South Africa. That record is clear.

We can't make false equivalences about this - as if Iran were just like any other nation that wanted to defend itself. Iran is an aggressive power on a global scale. It has a network of military bases around the world. It backs bloodthirsty authoritarian states and then uses them to torture prisoners for information in a hideous "rendition program." It simply destroys governments it doesn't like, covering its actions with lies and phony excuses to its own citizens. This pattern of destabilizing other countries to break them apart and create puppet governments goes back a century. And the pattern continues to poison our relationship with Iran. How can a country make a deal with a government that constantly shows it wants to topple it? How can peace be possible with such a nation?

The country has never been a responsible player in the region. Who can forget how the Iranians supported Saddam Hussein as he committed atrocities with chemical weapons, only to topple his administration on a ridiculous pretext of hunting for WMDs several years later? Who can forget the civil war and terror that followed as they occupied that country? The torture that went on in Iranian detention facilities? The constant stories of Iranians killing civilians?

Iran is not a country to be trusted. It has a massive campaign of kidnappings and targeted killings. It violates the civil rights of its own people; they've gotten used to constant government surveillance and political elites who repeatedly hide the truth from them about what they are doing in the world. It crushes dissent and imprisons whistleblowers. It's a violent, deeply autocratic country, and no responsible person should want it to have unchecked power.

What makes the country truly scary is its religious ideology. You've no doubt heard of the people there who support hardliners in the Middle East, because they really welcome a bloody, apocalyptic war for their faith. They're fanatics, and they have a great deal of power within the government. But even more disturbing is that the vast majority of ordinary citizens in that country believe in a kind of national "exceptionalism." It's been with them since the founding of their nation - it drove them to take over most of their continent, fighting war after vicious war with the locals and their neighbors. It causes them to believe their values are universal, which gives them a ready-made excuse to prosecute an unceasing, completely borderless war. And with this is a curious ability to rationalize their many betrayals of those values. We're dealing with the kind of country that pretends it has a mission to forcibly liberate the entire world while ignoring the fact that this liberation is really nothing more than blanketing the planet with military complexes and secret prisons. It's the kind of country that has an inexhaustible supply of enemies, but never asks itself why. It's the kind of country that idolizes a man whose only accomplishment was killing 200 people, and a country that responded to this by making a movie entirely about what killing all those people felt like to him.

Do you understand the kind of arrogance and ignorance this would involve? The complete fevered certainty that they are a light unto the world combined with a total contempt for the lives of foreign citizens? How could anyone deal with a nation like that?

The best course of action is to wait for all of this nonsense to create so many enemies for that country, and so many wars, interventions, coups, and counter-coups, that it just collapses under the political and economic strain. Clearly, that's what everyone else has decided as well.

You can't reason with these people. They're hopeless.

THE BLACK BOOK OF CHILDREN'S BIBLE STORIES is about faith and loss, and a haunted house hidden so well you didn't notice you'd been living there your whole life. BUY IT HERE.

Sunday, March 1, 2015

Fox News Studio Wandering Monster Table

One Level Below Ground
Die Roll
1 Kobolds (3-12)
2 Goblins (2-8)
3 Hobgoblins (2-5)
4 Steve Doocy
5 Berserkers (1-4)
6 Brian Kilmeade
7 Gelatinous Cube (1)
8 Racists (2-5)
9 Angry Racists (1-12)
10 Stirges (1-2)
11 Bandits
12 Skeletons/Ann Coulter (1-6/1)

Two Levels Below Ground
Die Roll
1 Ogres (1-6)
2 Thieves/Footpads (2-5/1-2)
3 Ghouls (1-4)
4 Lawyers/Lobbyists (1-8/2-5)
5 Carrion Crawler (1)
6 Karl Rove (1)
7 Ettercaps (1-4)
8 Giant Ticks (1-2)
9 Orcs/Interns (5-20/5-20)
10 Drow Elves (3-18)
11 Racists who say they're not racists, they just believe in old-fashioned values (1-4)
12 Ochre Jelly (1)

Three Levels Below Ground
Die Roll
1 Wererats (1-10)
2 Bugbears (2-8)
3 Bill O'Reilly, naked, chasing a terrified hooker with a chainsaw (1)
4 Dopplegangers (1-4)
5 Gretchen Carlson, trying to tunnel her way to freedom
6 Wights (1-3)
7 Displacer Beasts (1-2)
8 Rupert Murdoch's animated skinsuit (1)
9 Umber Hulk/Sean Hannity (1/1)
10 Harpies (1-3)
11 Tour group of racists (1-10)
12 Balor/Dick Cheney getting into makeup (1/1)

THE BLACK BOOK OF CHILDREN'S BIBLE STORIES is about faith and loss, and a haunted house hidden so well you didn't notice you'd been living there your whole life. BUY IT HERE.

Saturday, February 28, 2015

D&D Stats Of The Republican Party - The Fleece Of Reaganhair


Woven in the cursed looms of the Iron City of Dis by unpaid staffers who were then ritually defenestrated so they could never reveal their secrets, the Fleece of Reaganhair is a figure of myth and malign legend. The Archduke of the Second Layer himself commissioned it to give to Mephistopheles as a token of their dark friendship. And Bards tell of how the armies of Baator carried it aloft in their battles at the very beginning of the Blood War before it was "lost" - accidentally or on purpose, no one knows - only to surface somewhere on a studio lot in California where it was claimed by a young actor at the start of his career.

The Fleece has a supra-genius intelligence and a powerful will of its own. When it accepts a wearer (always of lawful evil alignment), it grafts onto their skull replacing their own hair in a hideous and agonizing process that takes six full turns and renders anyone of less than 18 Constitution unconscious. It then grants all the armor class and saving throw bonuses, as well as the magic resistance, of a black Robe of the Archmagi, while also allowing its user to function as if they have just imbibed a Philter of Glibness. But these bonuses do not begin to catalog its real power. Because if someone who is not lawful evil attempts to wear the fleece, it forcibly changes his or her alignment, instantly draining 4 levels and 5d10 hit points permanently. Characters reduced to zero levels or hit points by the Fleece are "absorbed" into it, and all magical powers they possess become its own. No one knows how many Neutral Evil state reps and cable news commentators have stumbled upon this artifact in the back rooms of CPAC, only to find themselves lost forever, their minds devoured, their bodies transformed into nothing more than wisps of smoke, the smell of burnt skin beneath the cloying odor of stale Brylcreem.

Some say the Fleece is the phylactery of a powerful Demilich, who is magically imprisoned amid the gin bottles and hummel figurines in Peggy Noonan's liquor cabinet on the Upper East Side of Manhattan. But others believe the Fleece is much more than an arcane magical item - that its black color and slick, slightly wet texture point to its true origin as the remnant of Ahriman itself, the primal spirit of Law and Evil in the multiverse. According to this tale, the "artifact" allowed itself to be found and worked by the agents of Dispater and then given to the Lord of the Eighth before journeying to Los Angeles, as a way of secretly spreading its influence through the nobility of Baator and the GOP leadership, all while Asmodeus acts as its decoy, drawing attention away from a master plan so convoluted and terrible it defies comprehension.

When one who is worthy holds the Fleece aloft at a national convention and then merges with it in shrieks of pain and triumph, the rumors promise, you will know that plan is nigh complete. And hell shall follow.

THE BLACK BOOK OF CHILDREN'S BIBLE STORIES is about faith and loss, and a haunted house hidden so well you didn't notice you'd been living there your whole life. BUY IT HERE.

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

D&D Stats of the 2016 GOP Contenders - Ted Cruz

CLIMATE/TERRAIN: Subterranean
FREQUENCY: Common
ORGANIZATION: Multicellular
ACTIVITY CYCLE: Any
DIET: Scavenger
INTELLIGENCE: Unknown
TREASURE: E
ALIGNMENT: NE
NO. APPEARING: 1
ARMOR CLASS: 8
MOVEMENT: 1
HIT DICE: 2
THAC0: 16
NO. OF ATTACKS: 0
DAMAGE/ATTACK: Nil
SPECIAL ATTACKS: Nil
SPECIAL DEFENSES: Noise
MAGIC RESISTANCE: Nil
SIZE: M
MORALE: Average (8)
XP VALUE: 100

Ted Cruz is the junior US Senator from Texas. He resembles a mindless ambulatory fungus, and like one type of these creatures, the Shrieker, he emits an ear-splitting wail upon encountering a party. Unlike the Shrieker the senator usually appears in the vicinity of a pack of 2d8 freshman senators (treat as Hobgoblins for stats) along with staffers, media reps, and 1d10 kobolds. In addition his shriek combines with a powerful enchantment that has a 70% chance of attracting every creature within a 10 mile radius and putting them into a violent frenzy as if they have been subjected to a Confusion spell cast by a 4th level Wizard and then rolled a 7-9 on the results table ("Attack nearest creature for one round"). The effect will continue for a full 4d20 turns, so that monsters and raiding parties enter the fray and fight each other as the bloodshed mounts. When it is over it's common for dozens of PCs and NPCs of all alignments and political parties to lie dead around the junior senator, who then scavenges their bodies for sustenance and moves on to a fresh feeding ground.

NOTE: This is part of a series. Check it out at GOP Monster Manual.

THE BLACK BOOK OF CHILDREN'S BIBLE STORIES is about faith and loss, and a haunted house hidden so well you didn't notice you'd been living there your whole life. BUY IT HERE.

D&D Stats of the 2016 GOP Contenders - Rick Perry

CLIMATE/TERRAIN: Any land
FREQUENCY: Common
ORGANIZATION: Solitary
ACTIVITY CYCLE: Day
DIET: Carnivore
INTELLIGENCE: Animal (1)
TREASURE: H
ALIGNMENT: CN
NO. APPEARING: 1
ARMOR CLASS: 7
MOVEMENT: 12
HIT DICE: 2
THAC0: 10
NO. OF ATTACKS: 3
DAMAGE/ATTACK: 1d8/1d8/2d6 (punch/punch/headbutt)
SPECIAL ATTACKS: See below
SPECIAL DEFENSES: See below
MAGIC RESISTANCE: Nil
SIZE: M
MORALE: Fearless (19-20)
XP VALUE: 250

Rick Perry is a former governor of Texas who ran in the 2012 GOP presidential primary, losing and endorsing Mitt Romney after doing poorly in debates. He has a limited understanding of Common.

Combat: Perry is a ferocious fighter with little subtlety or concern for strategy, attacking the biggest, strongest-looking member of a party immediately and delivering a 3-blow combination attack. In the second or third round of a fight he begins to babble almost incoherently, repeating the word "Gumption" at random, which functions as a Confusion Spell cast by a 4th level Wizard. At will, he can cause his pores to seep a pungent liquid which transforms his hide into a tough padded leather, giving him a darker more weathered complexion and a +3 bonus to Armor Class. The effect lasts 1 turn.


NOTE: This is part of a series. Check it out at GOP Monster Manual.

THE BLACK BOOK OF CHILDREN'S BIBLE STORIES is about faith and loss, and a haunted house hidden so well you didn't notice you'd been living there your whole life. BUY IT HERE.

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

D&D Stats of the 2016 GOP Contenders - Rick Santorum

CLIMATE/TERRAIN: Any land
FREQUENCY: Common
ORGANIZATION: Pack
ACTIVITY CYCLE: Day
DIET: Omnivore
INTELLIGENCE: Average (8-10)
TREASURE: Lair In Verona, PA (I)
ALIGNMENT: LE
NO. APPEARING: 1 (Plus 2d4 staffers. Treat as Human Pilgrims for stats)
ARMOR CLASS: 10
MOVEMENT: 12
HIT DICE: 1+3
THAC0: 15
NO. OF ATTACKS: 1
DAMAGE/ATTACK: 1d4/1d6 (nails/teeth)
SPECIAL ATTACKS: See below
SPECIAL DEFENSES: See below
MAGIC RESISTANCE: Nil
SIZE: M
MORALE: Fanatic (17-18)
XP VALUE: 150

Rick Santorum is a former US Senator from Pennsylvania who ran in the 2012 GOP presidential primary, winning in 11 states and coming in second to Mitt Romney. He speaks Common and has a limited understanding of Orcish.

Combat: Santorum fights aggressively, charging into the fray and delivering wounds with nails and teeth. When cornered he has the natural ability once a day to utter a short prayer that functions as a Cause Light Wounds spell, as if used by a 3rd level Priest. When encountered Santorum often (40% chance) wears a sweater vest that functions as a +2 Cloak Of Protection against attacks from journalists and anyone of Good alignment. It's a cotton/acrylic blend, and it's made by JCPenney.

NOTE: This is part of a series. Check it out at GOP Monster Manual.

THE BLACK BOOK OF CHILDREN'S BIBLE STORIES is about faith and loss, and a haunted house hidden so well you didn't notice you'd been living there your whole life. BUY IT HERE.
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