Thursday, December 12, 2013

"We're Not White Guys, Megyn Kelly" By Jesus and St. Nicholas

Hey Megs:

Santa, here. I was hanging out with your Lord and Savior, stringing some popcorn in heaven, and we figured we'd drop you a line. We don't want to make too big a deal about this -- we're both pretty multicultural -- but we want to get the record straight.
We're not white people.

I'm sorry if this bothers you. But it's the truth. St. Nick and Jesus are not, and never have been, from the dry part of the bird.

First of all, modern concepts of whiteness just plain don't apply to a first century Jew and a third century ethnic Greek from what is now Turkey. We're not anywhere on your little crumbled Saltine Venn diagram.

But there's something else that deeply infuriates us, and it needs to be said. Your viewers - and a large chunk of your country - hate and fear folks who look like us. Do you realize that?

Look at a reconstruction of my face by the St. Nicholas Center. Really look at me. I am a bearded, sienna-shaded gent from the Near East. Your network spends all day flashing pictures of guys who resemble me to justify drone strikes, profiling, and torture. I'm not a jolly elf to a Fox News viewer. I am the freakin' bogeyman. And, I'd like to point out, so is my Nazarene buddy over here, whose birthday is coming up. Sarah Palin pretends she's ghost-writing for the guy, but she wouldn't get in a cab he was driving.

If Jesus Christ and I got seats together on the flight next to any of your viewers, they'd piss themselves and demand that TSA goons zip-tie us both. They would. And many, many other Americans -- even folks who call themselves liberals -- feel the same way.

This season is supposed to be about universal love, and your company uses it to incite fear and distrust. You use it to pander to old white people with faulty memories about some golden-age America that didn't really exist. But that vanilla image of us in the center of all this nonsense -- it's exactly what's wrong with you, your network, and your whole country.

You're getting coal from me, hon. But JC wants me to point out that his naughty list is a little more permanent. Think about it.

Claus out.

Friday, December 6, 2013

The Blog Is Going Into Hibernation Until Next Year

Greetings Internet:

I am working on the novel -- The Black Book Of Children's Bible Stories -- and I've reached a place where it sucks up all my writing time.

As a result I will not be updating until early 2014.

99.9999% of you do not care, because you have cat videos and pornography to contend with. For those that remain, I apologize. I'm only one man, and my talents are limited. If you've been putting off reading my ebook, The Big Money, now's the chance to part with that 99 cents burning a hole in your pocket. Kindle and Nook versions are available. But no pressure or anything. I don't want to spoil what we have here.

Anyway, have a very joyous holiday season, and I promise to come back in the New Year with guns blazing.

Saturday, November 9, 2013

"Happy Veteran's Day!" By An Obese Man Eating A Corndog At A Mattress Sale

God, these things are good. Perfect amount of crackle, you know? Whoever is working the fryer knows what he's doing.  Anyway, they're free for customers, so I thought I'd come in and browse.

I felt guilty on the way over here. I'm spending the day checking out the sales and grazing sample food, and in a bunch of countries I know nothing about, there are American soldiers probably doing horrible things and getting shot. Am I really commemorating their sacrifice by getting my complimentary Sleep-Rite Profile?

But then this thought occurred to me: Why the hell not? Like I said, I am completely ignorant of their mission, and I certainly don't understand how it relates to my actual freedom. Maybe they just took out a terrorist who was about to level my local shopping mall. Then again, maybe they just murdered someone for no good reason. How should I know? US foreign policy is classified, redacted... a total black box. I can't support something if I don't know what it is. And how can you call this a free country when I don't have any control over what it's doing? Oh Christ, my esophagus is on fire.

I have to go lie down on that reinforced Double-King over there, so I'll make this simple: You guys can pretend you're defending my liberty with secret operations and drone strikes, but I get to pretend I'm supporting you with parades and fried food. Sure, we're both lying to each other, but we're going to keep at it until you or I get killed.

I'm not sure which it will be. I might get blown up tomorrow over some stupid thing you did and didn't tell me about. Also, right now I can't feel the left side of my face.

Anyway, I honor your service. God bless whatever.

Saturday, October 26, 2013

"Get The Government Off Your Back!" By A Hideous Multinational Corporation

Ordinary Americans, people like you, are fed up. Those busybodies in Washington are trying to take your freedoms away, and you're no longer going to stand for it. Government is getting too big and too intrusive -- Can we agree on this? I mean, they want to change your healthcare, take your firearms, and stop you from calling the staff at your plant a religious order for tax purposes. We're going to change that. Together.

You don't want anymore Beltway meddling, do you? Having some liberal academic in the White House tell you what to do, and whether you can use asbestos filler in toys, goes against the spirit of independence that made our country great. We are part of a movement that's going to put a stop to this kind of anti-American nonsense.

Shouldn't it be a country of free enterprise and limited government again? Shouldn't we be in charge of our own lives? I don't want the first lady telling me I shouldn't eat a burger, or one of her husband's agencies saying I can't produce pediatric medicine with nicotine. Write a letter and tell your Congressmen that the era of fat-cat politics and fancy-pants health and safety codes is over!

This government - along with the mainstream media - doesn't share our values. It's filled with eggheads worrying about crazy things like extreme income inequality and regulating whether a guy can give his granddad a shotgun or cause a global financial correction with some high-risk debt he got from a friend. It's no longer the kind of place that let's people pray in school, fight for traditional marriage, and hire a seven year-old who has gumption. But don't despair. A wave of people came to the Capitol to shake things up. Together, we'll stop the liberal agenda and bring this country back to the way it was.

Just you wait.

Friday, October 18, 2013

A Message To Conservatives From A Civil War Reenactor

I hope this sounds coherent. I've been awake and violently ill for 72 hours with this stomach bug all the guys in the unit have. No one wants to take antibiotics, because they weren't around - we're really into authenticity, you know? The good part is it's helping me make my goal of losing a third of my body weight in time for the campaign. Anyway, I've had a lot of time to think.

Here's what I realized at 3 am while I was dipping my buttons in urine:

"What's okay in one time period is absolutely crazy in another."

I mean, right now I'm shaking, my body is producing a strange smell like bad cheese, and the fever's giving me hallucinations of Shelby Foote dancing in a Rockettes outfit. If I were suffering like this while serving in the Army of the Potomac more than a hundred years ago, folks would say it couldn't be helped. I was just doing my duty. But I'm a real estate broker with a solid health plan, and I am less than five miles away from my Volvo. There's even a Rite-Aid close to the parking lot.

There is no excuse for what I'm doing. None. My wife said that when she took the kids to her sister's. I am surrounded by the 21st century, and I just don't want to live in it. That's nuts. Completely insane. Which brings me to you guys.

You like to argue that change is not necessarily progress. And sometimes it's useful to fight for what you call "traditional values." It's a fair point. People understand that. But sometimes... and I want you to follow me here, because this is hard to hear... sometimes progress really is progress. We know things about human psychology that were unfathomable a few decades ago. And as more people come out of the closet and share their stories, it's becoming obvious to everyone in the country - everyone who isn't living in a hole in the ground or some isolated seat on the US Supreme Court - that gay people are pretty freakin' normal. They're just. Plain old. People.

Sometimes we shortchange our ancestors. Sometimes we don't give them credit for their insight. This is not one of those times, okay? I've been wearing a wool outfit soaked in my own sweat for a month now, and I can honestly tell you the modern world's got a lot going for it. They were wrong back then. Wrong about a lot of things. You look like idiots if you listen to them.

Some of you are going to trot out the Bible. You're going to say that because of your religious beliefs, you just can't compromise. There's no progress from eternal, big-T truth. I understand that too. A lot of people are like this, people who will never fit in with the outside world. Like the Amish, for example. Or people who live in compounds and take multiple wives. Or folks who hide in caves and wait for the Rapture. You see where I'm going?

The point is, like it or not, society changes the rules, many of these changes are because we really do improve ourselves, and folks who choose to stay behind become part of an oddball subculture or a tiny religious splinter group. Gay people are not living an alternative lifestyle. You are. Believe me, I know the difference.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have some vomiting to attend to.

A Message To The GOP From The Passenger Pigeon

Things don't look good, bro. I have seen this stage before.

You guys are thinning out, and folks over at the National Review are getting nervous. They used to see people like you everywhere, and now it's just one or two cranky old guys at the bus stop or US Senate. Sad, really. Or it would be sad, if you hadn't tried to sabotage the government.

And this is the trouble with you: You've reached the part where you want to act cute and nice, so someone will put a pair of you in a zoo. Keep the species alive. You'd have a realistic habitat for Tom Coburn - it would probably look like a hunting lodge sometime in the 1950s - and people would try to get Ann Coulter in there and leave them both alone for awhile, only she'd keep scratching his eyes out. But no one wants to do this. They know the result of any pairing would be hideous.

You see? You guys have the worst of both worlds. Your numbers say "endangered," but your actions say "invasive species."

And both of these problems have the same root: Adaptation. You can't relate to anyone who doesn't look like you at a time when America is becoming a diverse place. And you can't govern alongside people who think differently than you at a time when the government is facing some of the most complicated political and economic challenges in its history. The problem is not that the Tea Party is filled with ideological conservatives. It's that they're such dim bulbs. It's not that Fox News is opinionated. It's that it's bashing Muslims and pushing cheap conspiracy theories. One of your own guys said you need to stop being the stupid party. Why don't you listen?

Your central message is supposed to be government skepticism, and there is no one in this country who can't relate to that. That's a hell of a good message! But no one likes a guy who just wants to wreck the whole machine. That's like when one of my cousins gets trapped in an air conditioning unit. The guy who fixes the thing doesn't care whether my cousin comes out in one piece or several, you feel me? Skepticism is not the same thing as nihilism.

If you get smart you could come back from this. You could be like those other kinds of pigeons. You could be swarming through DC and crapping on everything along with the Democrats. I know you guys have it in you.

Ted Cruz likes aiming for windows. Stop following his lead.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

A Message To Republicans From Lord Humungus

There has been too much violence, too much pain. It is time for us to end it. You can not fight me and the other Democrats; We are too powerful. You will not get away. Look around you! Where can you go? How can you possibly escape?

But I come to you from the office of Harry Reid. I come with an honorable compromise. Bring us the one you call Ted Cruz. He has harmed my people, and I want his skull to bejewel and fill with the wine of victory.

Ted Cruz has betrayed you and led you into this terrible predicament! God has delivered him into my hand for his many transgressions. Ted Cruz has raised a force of extremists among your ranks, and they have broken your support in the polls with their wild ramblings. He and his kind have snatched the White House from you and many other prizes. Send him unto me that I may have his head, and then he will no longer trouble you.

You are crushed and beaten. You cower in your think tanks and your cloakrooms, but you can not hold out there forever. Fear is my ally. The fear of electing people who don't believe in evolution and take their social policy from the bad parts of the Bible. This fear will allow my dogs of war to sweep into every seat and every statehouse eventually. It is only a matter of time.

Give me the one you call Cruz! Give him to me, and I will give you safe passage through the wastelands. You can still flourish in gerrymandered parts of Georgia and Mississippi. You can still find a home in northern Florida. You will not perish there.

Bring me Ted Cruz, so that he may be decapitated, his skull ornamented, and you will live. I, the scourge of Harry Reid swear this.

Ted Cruz or death!
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